


the wind blows over my head

by neocxxlture



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst/Hurt at times but ultimately this will have a Happy Ending, F/M, M/M, NCT and other people will make appearances, Sharehouse AU, Slow Burn, University/College, dotae is main but there are side ships, each chapter will focus on a Theme, kind of coming of age, misunderstandings and feelings and whatnot, or there will be, sad backstories i Guess, when i say slowburn i Mean It
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2019-09-20 11:31:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 31,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17021868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neocxxlture/pseuds/neocxxlture
Summary: They got an official introduction out of the way. Taeyong motioned for him to join them at the table and so Doyoung did, coming to sit beside him, while Taeyong was talking. With enough presence of mind Doyoung processed the information; Taeyong was apologising for not being around during the week. Doyoung replied that that was fine, he didn’t really care. And Taeyong laughed. In this strange, almost shy way, as if he wasn’t sure if he should be laughing but was anyway. It was endearing.And Doyoung didn’t know what to think.





	1. moving in

**Author's Note:**

> in true neocxxlture fashion, this story will make no sense. but i hope you guys will enjoy it anyway! <3
> 
> the idea for a sharehouse AU came from the kdrama hello my twenties! which is amazing and i recommend it immensely ;A; i took some ideas from it and use them in this fic (the idea of 5 people living in one house, or the post-it notes, though not in the way they were used there, or not completely, and one or two other plot points that i'll use in later chapters) so i hope that's alright! you don't need to have seen the show to read this fic since it in no way correlates to it, but i thought i'd mention it just in case.
> 
> to clarify, since i realized i didn't do it in text, Doyoung moves into the house on a monday. :D  
> <3

“Are you there yet?“

“Almost,“ Doyoung sighs into his phone, “Should be just a few blocks away.“

“Are you nervous?“ Gongmyung’s voice comes out of the speaker gravely, and though he can’t see his face, Doyoung knows that he’s smirking.

Doyoung gives that some thought. Is he nervous? Very much so. For the past three days he’d been so anxious about this that he couldn’t catch a wink of sleep, and even now he still feels vaguely like he’s gonna throw up at any given moment. Will he admit all that to his brother? Not likely. “Sure, a little bit.“

“You’re losing your mind, aren’t you,“ Gongmyung guesses, (and guesses right, though Doyoung would still rather not say that outloud), “Well, it _is_ the first time you’re gonna have roommates. It’d be weird if you weren’t scared.“

Doyoung keeps walking, and ignores the way Gongmyung’s words seem to settle in his limbs like deadweights, “I’m not scared. I shared a room with you, before.“

Doyoung can just about visualise Gongmyung shaking his head, “That’s different. I’m your brother. I’ve been lenient to you in ways your new roommates won’t be. How many of them did you say there were?“

“Four,“ Doyoung recalls the information he’d found online about the sharehouse, and then the bit of text messages he’d exchanged with one of the current tenants. “There’s five people including me.“

“Good luck, little bro,“ Gongmyung says in his annoying way, and something about it almost makes Doyoung smile, “Do you know who you’re rooming with?“

“I’m not rooming with anyone, actually,“ Doyoung lets him know, “There’s three rooms and one of them is a single. That’s the one I’ll be staying in.“

“Oh, you lucked out then,“ Gongmyung hums.

Doyoung doesn’t know about that, “I guess.“

He rounds a corner and recognises the structure at the end of the street as the sharehouse he saw online in pictures attached to the ad. It’s a two story building of a light blue colour, and it looks much bigger in real life than it did on the screen. His stomach does an unpleasant turn. He’s glad he hasn’t eaten breakfast, few hours prior.

“I’ll call you later,“ he says to Gongmyung, never taking his eyes off the sharehouse, “I’m here.“

“Let me know how it goes,“ Gongmyung says, “Don’t be an asshole to them on the first day, make a good first impression.“

Doyoung rolls his eyes, “I’m hanging up.“

He doesn’t wait for Gongmyung to reply before he presses end on the call and slips his phone in his backpocket.

When he’s directly in front of the house, he stops on the sidewalk. As much as Gongmyung was joking, Doyoung actually wants to make a good impression on his soon-to-be new roommates. He’s going to be living here for years, probably (or he’d like to, for as long as he’s going to be attending university), and he only hopes they’re all going to accept him, weird and socially awkward as he is. He’s not an asshole, not on purpose at least, but sometimes his actions come off that way. He really wants to get along with all four of the other boys.

The house isn’t any bigger than his parents‘ one, but it looms over him like a giant. There’s a low fence and a clasped gate by which Doyoung currently stands, a path that comes to a close at a dias, a door off to the side, and a stone staircase leading to a door on the second floor. From what Doyoung knows, the sharehouse’s owner, an old widowed lady by the name of Mrs Kang, lives on the lower floor.

Doyoung takes a big, slow breath, exhales, and decides it’s now or never.

He opens the gate and walks in, takes the stairs one step and one deep breath at a time, and comes to a stop before the second-story door. There is a pin-code lock mechanism mounted on the door, for added security, and Doyoung has been told by the boy he’s exchanged correspondence with it is because they had a case of a break in, half a year ago.

He steels himself and presses the doorbell.

He hears the ring through the closed door, shrill and loud. For a moment, that’s all that he hears. In the silence that follows, it seems as if the house is empty; though Doyoung texted that guy in the morning (Kun, his name is, he recalls), letting him know he’s gonna be arriving today, and Kun sent him a text a little over an hour ago saying he’ll be late but that one of their roommates will be home to let him in.

Doyoung rings the doorbell once more, keeping his finger on it for a second too long. He frowns now, irritation giving way to nerves as he’s kept waiting outside. Someone should be home. He shouldn’t be out here waiting, feeling like an idiot. He pulls his phone out of his pocket, intent on messaging Kun once again, when he thinks he hears a door open from somewhere inside the apartment. He quickly pushes the bell again, and this time there’s a voice, muffled, “Calm down! Jeez.“

It’s probably the roommate Kun mentioned, Doyoung thinks. He wonders why it took him so long to answer; he doubts he didn’t hear the bell ring. Doyoung steps idly from foot to foot as he waits for the other boy to get to the door and open, and once he does Doyoung looks him up and down as he comes face to face with him; some things that he notes immediately is that he’s shorter than Doyoung, skinnier, prettier. His fair hair falls into his face and he brushes it away with a motion of his hand, “You’re the new guy, right?“

“Kim Doyoung, yes,“ Doyoung responds, and the guy nods to himself as if confirming that he’s right, and as he’s opening the door wider for Doyoung to come in with his luggage, he notes that he’s barefoot dressed in only boxers and an oversized t-shirt, lean legs on display, all clean shaven and smooth-looking. Doyoung makes himself look away, taking his backpack off his shoulders and letting it fall to the floor.

“You’re early,“ the guy says again, and Doyoung looks at him again, notices that there’s a blush adorning his cheekbones. “Kun said you’d be here by four.“

That was before Doyoung looked up transportation and realised he could only arrive too early or too late. He messaged Kun about it, and they agreed to meet by two pm. He guesses Kun didn’t let his roommate know. “It changed to two,“ he says, still frowning. “He must have forgotten to mention.“

The guy (Doyoung really should ask for his name) leans against the now closed front door. “Sure did. He was supposed to be here for the introduction.“ He says, in an accusing tone that lets Doyoung know this guy is not too happy about being the guide to Doyoung’s house tour.

Doyoung toes off his shoes and looks around the hallway. There is a shoerack to the left side of him, stocked full of sneakers and other footwear. Next to it, there’s a shelf with three pairs of slippers. Doyoung kicks his shoes off to the side, then turns to the guy again. They stand there silently for a moment, and Doyoung gets the impression he is waiting for him to move. He says, though he thinks it should be quite obvious, “I don’t know where my room is.“

“Right,“ the guy sighs, walking past Doyoung quickly, “Come on.“

Doyoung takes his luggage and backpack and follows.

The hallway leads them to a common area, a big spacious room. It looks the way it did in the pictures Doyoung has seen, so he knows what to expect when he walks in; a sofa, two armchairs and a coffee table, with a TV mounted on the wall. The layout of the room makes it so the kitchen also fits in, with a bar counter and dining table in the middle. It looks lived in. Everywhere Doyoung looks, there’s items covering nearly every inch of the surfaces – there’s plates in the sink yet to be washed, notebooks and a pen stacked in a pile on the dining table, a half-closed laptop on the coffee table.

There’s a site open on the screen, but before Doyoung can get a better look at it, the boy shuts the laptop closed all the way, “The bathroom is in there,“ he points to a door to the left of the kitchen, “I room with Kun, in there,“ one door at the right side of the living room, “Jaehyunie rooms with Taeyong hyung in there,“ the other door to the right.

“You’ll be in here.“ He opens the other door to the left side, revealing Doyoung’s single room. In contrast to the common area, this room is stripped bare. There is a bed, but there aren’t any sheets or pillows or a blanket. There’s a desk, a bedside table, a single closet. Everything empty. There is a silhouette on the ground, a square of a dark and lighter colour, and Doyoung realises there must have been a carpet in its place that’s been removed. The blinds on the one window to the room are closed.

“I guess I’ll leave you to unpack,“ the other guy says, from the doorway, “If you need anything, just shout and I’ll—“ he makes a motion with his fingers, running-like. Doyoung nods, and with that he is left alone in his brand new room.

The guy closes the door after himself, so at least Doyoung doesn’t need to. He doesn’t feel like unpacking just yet, because that will make it really real – that this is happening, that he’s left his parents‘ home and has come to live alone with strangers, that he’s about to start college in two weeks‘ time, that he’s really on his own.

He crosses the room and opens the window, letting in a bit of fresh air, and then he sits down on his new, bare bed. The mattress dips under his weight. He knows it’s going to get him some time to get used to sleeping on it.

He just sits on the bed, wasting minutes that go by. He wonders what the other guy is doing (and really wishes he would have asked his name before, because it’ll be awkward if he goes and asks now and he mentally kicks himself for this stupid blunder). He can’t hear anything from outside his door that would be any indication as to what he gets up to. Maybe he’s retired to his own room. This is so not the first impression (or welcome, or anything) that Doyoung has expected, though if he’s fair, he hasn’t been expecting much at all.

He should call Gongmyung. Maybe he could even call his father, but he’s probably busy with paperwork. He’d most likely ignore Doyoung’s call, the way he usually does. Doyoung sighs, and wishes he could call his mom. He makes himself get off the bed and take out the contents of his backpack slowly in order not to delve too deeply into that train of thought.

He’s just about unpacking the last of his things from the bag when he hears four consecutive beeps – the digital keypad, he figures – before the front door opens and closes and a voice calls out, “Hello?“

Doyoung stops long enough to listen, and only picks up on something that sounds like “Hi, Kun!“ before Kun, presumably, asks, “Where is he?“ and the other guy answers, “In his room.“

“You didn’t really show him around, did you,“ Kun says in what Doyoung can only dub an exasperated tone.

“What is there to show,“ he hears, before there’s a knock on Doyoung’s door, powerful but soft at the same time, somehow calming to Doyoung’s frayed nerves, “Doyoung-ssi?“

He crosses the room to his door and opens it to reveal who must be Kun – a head shorter than him, blond hair styled away from his face, eyes kind and a smile etching his lips, “Hi! Hope I’m not interrupting anything.“

Doyoung shakes his head, “No, no. I was just unpacking, getting settled in.“

“Good,“ Kun nods, and then makes a gesture towards the kitchen, “Do you want a beverage? Tea, or anything? I’m sure we have some beer in the fridge if you’d want,“ he offers, and Doyoung doesn’t have the heart to tell him he barely drinks alcohol. “Tea would be fine, thanks.“

“Okay,“ he says, cheerful, “Finish unpacking and join us out here, then. You’ve met Ten,“ he motions to the boy lounging on the sofa, laptop propped on his thighs, “But the others should be arriving soon. We can talk, get to know each other.“

Doyoung feels his nerves stir at that, but he manages to keep his expression neutral, “Okay, yeah.“

Kun leaves him to it, and Doyoung starts on unpacking his suitcase. He really doesn’t have that much stuff, so it’s a fairly quick endeavor. This time the door to his room is left open. He picks up on Kun and Ten’s conversation, not that he’s eavesdropping. He figures if they didn’t want him to hear what they’re talking about, they wouldn’t talk so loudly. “Your sister called me today.“

Ten sounds surprised, “What? What even for?“

Kun, judging by the metallic sounds coming from his direction, must be rummaging around in the kitchen, “Apparently you’ve not been taking her calls.“

“And she called you for that?“ Ten’s voice goes up a notch, “She can leave a message, it’s not that hard—“

“Just answer when she calls you, what the hell,“ Kun throws back at him, “Like that’s hard. Why do you do this to her?“

“I’m busy.“

“Doing what, exactly? School doesn’t start until next week and you’ve had like four months' worth of vacation after graduation.“

Doyoung is practically done unpacking, but he doesn’t want to get out there in the middle of their argument, so he waits.

“You don’t understand,“ Ten says.

“Yeah, I don’t,“ Kun bites back, “You have family that actually cares about you enough to call you every week and ask how you’re doing and you ghost them every chance you get. Damn right I don’t get it, Ten.“

It sounds serious, Doyoung thinks, but Ten doesn’t answer more than, “Whatever.“ Doyoung waits, for Kun to continue, or maybe for Ten to add something, but when both of them have been silent for a few minutes, he figures it’s safe to emerge from his room.

Kun smiles at him as soon as he steps into the living room, but Doyoung notes that he shoots Ten a quick look before he says, “All done?“

Basically. Doyoung didn’t pack much, just about the necessities needed for day to day life; all his clothes made it into his medium sized suitcase and all his other things fit into the backpack. “Yes.“ When Kun gestures for him to sit down at the dining table a puts a mug of tea (fruity and sweet by the scent) in front of him, he adds, “Thanks.“

Kun seems to be in the middle of preparing a meal. Doyoung asks if he needs help, but Kun waves a hand, “No, no need. This won’t take too much time, anyway.“

Ten gets up and with laptop in hand he retreats to his room, only to slam the door after himself. Kun sighs, but Doyoung doesn’t think he’d appreciate if he’d pried, so he says conversationally, “The house is bigger than it looked in the pictures.“ His room, especially so, but he has a feeling that’s more because it’s so devoid of furniture than it is the actual size of it.

“It’s nice, isn’t it?“ Kun laughs, “There’s enough place for everything.“ Doyoung thinks to himself, there’s maybe too much space. His room certainly is too big for just himself. He doesn’t say that, anyhow.

“How long have you lived here?“ It’s one of the things he hasn’t asked when he was texting Kun before, though he wanted to.

“Just about a year, me and Ten,“ Kun answers, “We got here at the same time. Taeyong hyung has lived here the longest, he’s been here for about two years? I think. He’ll be starting his second year in college, while we’re,“ he gestures to himself and Ten’s closed door, “about to start our first.“

That’s surprising to Doyoung. He hadn’t thought he’d be the same age with them. “Oh, me too.“ Kun seems to be taken aback by that as well; he thought Doyoung was younger, he confesses, and so Doyoung learns that he, Kun and Ten are born in the same year, that Taeyong is one year older, and Jaehyun is one year younger.

Doyoung wonders about that; why someone in his last year of high school would live on his own and not with his parents, but he figures he has no right to inquire about it, at least not yet, and certainly not while Jaehyun is not present.

Doyoung struggles as to what to talk about, but Kun is talkative and kind and asks him questions about his life; so Doyoung tells him he’s going to be studying music, that he sings and yes, he’s pretty good at it (to which Ten, who emerged from his room again to get some yoghurt from the fridge, immediately demands he sings a song for them and Doyoung refuses profusely until Kun tells him to just ignore him) and that he doesn’t have a girlfriend, no (doesn’t tell them he’s not into girls at all), to which Ten says, “Someone as tall as you is single, I’m surprised.“ and Kun says, “Ten, come on, man.“

But Ten ignores Kun’s chastising comment in lieu of coming to sit opposite Doyoung at the table, “You must have girls throwing themselves at you, I mean look at you.“

There are girls, but Doyoung, while respectful and mindful of them, doesn’t have any interest in them at all. “I—don’t know,“ he breathes out, not sure what to say – he’s out, kind of, mostly, but he’s met these people an hour ago and he’s not sure whether it’s alright to just say that outright, or should he wait—

The beeping sound of the keypad spares him the answer.

Doyoung turns to look at the newcomer – and at first glance he sees the back of his head, light-brown hair, a slim, lean back and he thinks it’s – but then the boy turns and Doyoung sees it is someone completely different, a stranger Doyoung has never seen before, it isn’t _him_ (of course it isn’t, he’s in America now, Doyoung reminds himself, but still needs a second to catch his breath).

“I’m home,“ the boy says from where he’s taking his shoes off in the hallway, “Something smells good!“

“Of course it does, it’s me who’s cooking,“ Kun answers back, “Come here, meet our new roommate.“

The boy comes closer, and Doyoung gets a good (better) look at him; the hair falls into his face which is all sharp yet delicate angles, gently framing probably the nicest smile Doyoung’s ever had directed at him by a complete stranger, eyes just as kind when they land on Doyoung. “Hi, I’m Jaehyun, nice to meet you.“

His voice is just as nice, melodic and low, so pleasant to listen to Doyoung wonders whether _he_ sings, and if he doesn’t maybe he’ll suggest he try it out to not make something so good go to waste. He has enough presence of mind to take Jaehyun’s extended hand in his and not make a complete idiot out of himself in front of all these boys, “Doyoung.“

Jaehyun drops the backpack he came with on the living room chair and comes to sit at the table next to Ten. There are two chairs left, one next to Doyoung, one at the head of the table. Doyoung wonders for a splinter of a second which chair the previous guy sat in. The one he’s replacing, currently.

“Jae, can you text hyung and ask what time he’ll be home?“ Kun asks Jaehyun, and Jaehyun takes out his phone and types quickly, presumably the message. Kun then proceeds to ask him about his day, and Doyoung listens intently while he sips his tea. Jaehyun went home, apparently, because his mom called him in the morning and asked him to stop by. Jaehyun talks in a really captivating way, Doyoung finds, his words carefully measured and unrushed, calm, and he also finds that he likes it. So far, he thinks his roommates are quite alright. Not a single one of them seems strange, and Doyoung thinks he should get along with them splendidly, contrary to his worries.

When Jaehyun smiles, at something Kun or Ten have said that Doyoung missed because he was caught up in his own head, he notices that he’s got dimples, really cute ones that make Doyoung look at him for a second entirely too long before he makes himself drag his eyes away. He doesn’t have to look away, he knows, there’s no reason for him to feel guilty about finding another boy cute, but it still comes as a bit of a habit.

(He still feels guilty, everytime, before he remembers he doesn’t need to. It’s taking him time, maybe too long, to come to terms with the fact that he’s free to do so now, in a way. It’s a work in progress. Doyoung is doing his best.)

Kun finishes preparing the meal he’s started, a vegetable soup rich in flavour that Doyoung eats gratefully and maybe too quickly to be polite. He doesn’t have that much to contribute to the conversation while the other boys talk, unless someone asks him a direct question, but it’s fine. He’s learning about them, or as much as he can in the short time he’s so far spent in their company; Ten likes to make jokes that the others don’t really understand but roll with anyway, Jaehyun never ceases to smile and make him feel at ease, and Kun is kind and explains stuff to him when the talk turns to something Doyoung has no clue about (like that Kun is chinese and that he came to Seoul a few years ago with his aunt who has since moved back to China to live with the rest of his family in his hometown, that he met Ten in middle school and they became best friends, that Jaehyun’s parents live in an apartment not too far away, that Jaehyun has a part-time job at a bookstore, that he supports them financially as much as he can, that Taeyong is a bit of a cleanliness freak, that they clean the entire house every Saturday together, stuff like that).

At some point during the meal, Jaehyun’s phone lights up with a text, and his face falls when he reads it, “Taeyong hyung says he’s gonna be late tonight.“

Doyoung notes that they all frown at that, and Kun sighs, visibly disappointed, “He promised.“ He says that in a soft tone of voice, almost as if talking to himself, but the table is quiet and everyone hears him clearly. Jaehyun replies calmly, “It’s not his fault.“

Kun quickly amends, “No, I know, I didn’t mean it like that.“

Doyoung decides to ask about it so he’s not so thrown out of the loop. “Why can’t he make it?“

It’s Jaehyun that answers, still in that same, collected way, placating, “Sometimes he needs to stay late in work.“

Doyoung wants to ask more about that, but Kun speaks again before he can open his mouth, “It’s okay. You’ll meet him tomorrow.“

The topic of Taeyong is dropped, and Kun quickly starts explaining some house rules to Doyoung. It becomes apparent to him that Kun has been waiting for Taeyong for this, maybe as the oldest in the house, but Doyoung thinks Kun manages just well without help (and that Ten is no help at all, barely paying attention when Kun is telling him all about how he has a designated shelf in the bathroom, in the fridge, in the hallway closet, and Jaehyun doesn’t say much, but at least he’s listening to them.)

(Jaehyun, Doyoung finds, seemingly never stops smiling. He forcibly makes himself not think about that, or the dimples that appear to be drilled into his cheeks.)

There’s more on the house-rules front, though it’s less rules than advice to ensure they get along – if he doesn’t want them to eat any of his food, he should put it on his shelf or label it; if he wants to shower in the morning he needs to get up earlier to account for the time the rest of them take in the bathroom; that he cannot bring home a date.

Ten is rolling his eyes as soon as Kun says this last one.

Kun doesn’t seem bothered, “We just don’t allow girls past the front door. The landlord doesn’t like it, and frankly, it’s better this way.“ He says, as if he’s expecting Doyoung to fight him on it. (Maybe it’s Ten that he’s fighting on this. Doyoung has a feeling.)

“That won’t be a problem,“ Doyoung says. He doubts he’s going to date anyone anyway. He’s not ready, he fears. He doesn’t think he’s going to be ready ever again.

(He knows he’s going to be, one day. As irrational as his feelings are currently he is a creature of common sense and so he knows that whatever he’s feeling right now, the hurt that doesn’t seem to ever subside, is going to pass with time. That doesn’t make it any easier. In any case, maybe that knowledge makes it that much worse. He tries not to dwell on it most days.)

“Good,“ Kun replies, enthusiastic, “I suppose that pretty much covers everything. Did I miss something?“ Ten and Jaehyun both shake their heads no. “Well, if something comes up, we can deal with it later.“

The conversation shifts again, and Doyoung is more than happy to let them talk amongst themselves while he sits there and listens and tries to pacify himself that this is fine, that he’s done a good thing moving here to live in one house with four other boys.

Jaehyun leaves the table not long after and retreats to his room, and Doyoung ponders whether he should as well. He’s tired, extremely so; the nerves of the day taking a toll on his energy, making him feel beyond exhausted. It’s not too late, it’s only around ten in the evening. When he gets up and says he’s going to take a shower, they don’t protest. He’s sure he’s imagining their stares on the back of his head after he retrieves a towel and sleepwear from his room, but it seems to burn just the same.

When he comes out of the bathroom ten minutes later, both Ten and Kun are gone. There is a night-light on in the kitchen, casting long shadows along the far living room wall. Doyoung silently retreats to his room, shutting the door softly after himself. A profound sigh escapes him as soon as his body connects with the unfamiliar mattress. There’s something on his bed, he notices – a white bedsheet, a blanket of a faded green colour, and a fluffy pillow, all neatly folded and stacked on top of each other. Someone must have put these here while he was showering. His bet is on Kun. He makes a mental note to thank him the next day.

He makes his bed, burrows into the blanket, and falls asleep nearly as soon as his head connects with the soft pillow. He doesn’t dream.

\--

When he comes to the next morning, his first instinct is to reach out for the body that should be there beside him.

He gropes along the mattress and finds it cold and momentarily a fear seizes him, because where is he, he should be here – and then Doyoung opens his eyes, blearily takes in the unfamiliar, nearly empty room, and remembers.

He sits up and runs a hand down his face, waking up in earnest. He makes himself breathe slowly, deep inhale and exhale. He mentally recounts some facts that he knows will be helpful to him to come back to himself. He’s in his new house, the one he just moved into, he’s twenty years old and a couple weeks from starting college, he is single. It takes a few minutes before he’s able to get up to walk the short track out of his room to the bathroom.

The door which he finds closed. He blinks. Is someone there, should he knock? He stops to listen, leans in with his left ear to the door, but there’s no sound that he can pick up on. He stands around, deciding on what to do, and just as he’s about to go for the doorknob to try to open the door, it opens on its own.

Well, not on its own. Ten nearly slams into him on his way out, and only barely stops them from colliding. “Jesus! You scared me,“ he shouts, taking a step back, “What the fuck?“

“Sorry!“ Doyoung shouts back, just as surprised, “I didn’t think anyone was in there.“

“Just knock when you see the door is closed, oh my god, don’t just stand here,“ Ten says, before storming away, hand over his chest. Doyoung looks after him in stunned silence, before he remembers what he came here for. He quickly enters the bathroom.

Ten is in the kitchen when Doyoung comes back out, and he only throws him a glance, “Want some toast?“

“Sure,“ Doyoung answers, and after a bit of split-second deliberating decides to not change out of his pajamas and just sit at the table. He watches Ten as he prepares his breakfast (their breakfast, he guesses, and wonders whether he should offer to help, but then wonders if there even is anything to help out with making toast). It doesn’t slip Doyoung’s notice that Ten only has a thin t-shirt and some boxers on, again. Not that he’s looking at them, or his legs. He’s not.

Ten puts a plate with a pile of toast on the table in front of him and offers some butter and some jam to it that Doyoung isn’t sure he wants but he puts on his piece of bread anyway. As they’re silently having their breakfast, Ten scrolls on his phone and pays no attention to Doyoung, a time Doyoung takes to prepare a mental list of groceries he needs to buy for himself. First, some goddamn jam that won’t be – whatever flavour this is that he’s currently chewing on. It doesn’t taste good. Doyoung’s mother used to buy him one particular brand that he likes, and he needs to get that. And some other stuff, he guesses, like packets of ramyeon or other instant food. He can’t cook well, but he can manage to prepare meals for himself to survive at the very least.

He wants to ask how that works for the four of them, the entire cooking thing. He wishes Kun was around. Somehow, Doyoung finds himself reluctant to speak to Ten.

Doyoung eats three toasts and gets up to wash his plate in the sink as soon as he’s done. He shuffles to his room after that, not really sure he wants to hang around Ten who, for all intents and purposes, seems to not want to talk to him either. Doyoung hopes the weird air around them will shift eventually, the more he gets to know him and the other boys. This situation is stifling.

He changes clothes and sits on his bed for a while, idle. He’s forgotten to ask about the wifi password the previous night, but he doesn’t want to venture out and ask for it now. He kills time playing a game on his phone for a while, before he tires of that and for a lack of something better to do, lies down on his bed and lets his thoughts wander off into the space between consciousness and sleep.

A soft, curt knock on his door shakes him out of his state before he can fully fall asleep. He finds Kun on his threshold, giving him that patient, kind smile, “I’m about to go to the store, you want anything?“

Doyoung tells him to wait five minutes while he gets dressed and that he’s going to go with him. He could have Kun buy his food for him, but he needs to know where the nearest grocery store is anyway, so he might as well accompany him.

Kun seems to be glad as they fall into step beside each other, leading them down the street. They strike up a simple conversation, and it’s not as stiff as Doyoung feared it would be; something about Kun makes him feel at ease, makes him trust him. He lets his guard drop, just a bit. During the ten minute walk it takes them to get to the store, he learns that Kun had left for Korea when he was just twelve years old, that Ten is his best friend of eight whole years, and that Kun is a magician of some sorts.

The last one picks his interest the most, though all the tidbits of information are curious. “My little cousin is into magic,“ he says, “Card tricks and stuff.“ Jeno isn’t really all that little, anymore, but Doyoung supposes that doesn’t matter. As it turns out, card tricks and stuff are also Kun’s area of expertise. He makes Doyoung promise to introduce Jeno to him someday.

It takes them an hour to shop for food. Kun lets Doyoung know, after he asks about it, that cooking in the house isn’t really an issue. If one of them has the time, he prepares lunch and/or (but most of the time) dinner for all of them, and if someone doesn’t want to eat what’s being cooked, he can make his own meal. It’s a system that’s worked for them so far, he informs him. Apparently, they always let each other know in the groupchat they have when one of them will cook, the one Kun will definitely add him to when they return back home.

Doyoung admits that he doesn’t cook much himself, and Kun waves a hand, “That’s fine. Except for Ten, we’re all decent cooks. We won’t let you starve, promise.“

Doyoung still stocks up on instant ramyeon.

When they return to the house, Doyoung carefully puts all his own groceries to his shelves in the fridge and cupboard that Kun shows him. Doing so bestows upon him a peculiar feeling, something like finality – it’s weird, but there’s something about it; he’s putting all these things here for himself, and it makes it just that bit more real and finite that he’s really moved here and that he’s going to continue to live here from now on.

Kun spares him the existential crisis when he excitedly brandishes his phone around. “I added you to our group!“ Doyoung quickly peruses his phone, asks Kun for the wifi password, and after Kun dictates it to him he connects to the sharehouse internet and finds the new chatroom the top of his list of other chatrooms, some of which are left unopened. There’s Jeno, then Gongmyung below him, then Taeil hyung, then Jungwoo, and between that and some others (people Doyoung doesn’t even talk to anymore) there‘s his mom, her last sent text unanswered, the red notification next to the message daunting.

He gets a notification for the new chat soon after, and opens it to find that Jaehyun has written a message to the group. _Hi, Doyoung hyung!!_

Doyoung takes maybe a little too long to find an appropriate waving-guy sticker to reply with.

After that’s dealt with, Kun excuses himself and retreats to his room, and Doyoung finds himself alone standing at the kitchen counter. After a while of deliberation, he decides to make himself a quick meal (ramyeon, of course, that’s why he’s bought so many packets) and takes the bowl to eat in his room.

He gets a text from Gongmyung while he’s slurping down on his noodles. _everything went okay?_

He taps a quick reply, _Yes, hyung._ He gets a follow up message right after, but Doyoung doesn’t feel like being interrogated by his brother, so instead he clicks on Jeno’s name and texts the boy instead.

_One of my new roommates is a magician or something  
Thought you’d be interested in that _

_See that could mean anything  
If you mean he’s like the sort of magician that does tarot readings for people or looks into a crystal ball to tell them their future then I’m not interested_

_It means he told me he does card tricks  
Is that not your hobby as well?_

_Oh, well then yeah_  
_Yes it is_  
 _It’s just that usually when people say that they mean the other thing_  
 _It’s like they’re all wannabe wiccans or something_

_How many people have you even met that claimed to be magicians_

_You’d be surprised_  
_But the actual magic community is pretty small_  
 _The card tricksters and such I mean_  
 _I know there’s a community here but there’s like twenty people tops_  
 _Is he part of the community ?_

_I dunno. Didn’t ask.  
Didn’t know there was a magic community, either_

_Yeah it’s pretty hush_  
_You don’t really know unless you’re interested in magic and stuff_  
 _And even then it’s not that easy to get in_

_You’re not in the community, right?_

_No  
Though I’d like to be_

_I can introduce you to Kun  
if you want_

_Hyung that would be cool_  
  
Jeno then proceeds to spam the chatroom with stickers, and while usually that’s something Doyoung would find annoying (and he used to, when Jungwoo would do the same, to a point he’d just turn off the notifications for his chatroom and ignore him until he’d stopped) but with Jeno, he cannot bring himself to mind. It brings a smile to his face, even. He loves the boy.

He ventures out of his room to wash the bowl and returns just as quickly. For the rest of the afternoon, he keeps texting Jeno and ignoring the messages of his brother who’d sent more in the meantime, but Doyoung, even though he feels guilty, doesn’t have it in him to answer just yet.

\--

Over the course of the next few days, Doyoung gets to know his roommates a little bit more. He picks up on their habits, courtesy of living together in the same enclosed quarters. Every morning Ten makes breakfast (for himself or for them all, depends who’s around and awake for it) and doesn’t clean up after himself beyond stacking all the dirty dishes in the sink. Jaehyun is never there when Doyoung wakes up and he learns on the third day after his arrival that it’s because Jaehyun‘s shift at the bookstore starts at eight in the morning and ends at five, though as he tells Doyoung, it’s only three or four times a week, and will be less as soon as school starts in earnest. Kun is usually the last one to emerge from his room, hair ruffled and eyes laden with sleep, but after a few minutes in the bathroom he comes out looking smoothly put together the way Doyoung is starting to get used to seeing him.

It’s not until the evening of the third day that Doyoung realises he hadn’t met Taeyong yet.

From what he’d gathered, Taeyong is a busy guy. Apparently, he juggles two separate part-time jobs and rarely stays home during the week for more than sleep, leaving for work early in the morning and coming back late. Kun tells him he doesn’t have work on the weekends, though.

Doyoung managed to catch a glimpse of his back when he’d gotten up around five am to take a leak; and one night saw his retreating form down the hallway when he’d ventured out of his room in the middle of the night fetch a glass of water. Other than that, the guy remains elusive.

Doyoung’s fourth day in the sharehouse, he finds a post-it note attached to his towel. He frowns when he sees it, because what the hell? It’s soft-pink in colour and there’s something scribbled across it in not too-neat a handwriting and it reads, _hang this in your room._

Doyoung takes the paper in one hand and the towel in the other. He’d just thrown it over an available space in the bathroom to dry after his shower the previous evening. He didn’t think that would be a problem.

He’s alone at home, currently, so there’s no one to ask about it. Jaehyun is at work, Kun said he had something to take care of, and Ten got a phonecall during lunch that made him devour the food in record time and hole himself in the bathroom for half an hour, after which he emerged looking like a different person. That made Doyoung pause momentarily; he’d styled his hair out of his eyes, put on makeup and some really fitting clothes. He’d rushed out of the house before Doyoung could ask where he was going.

So here he is. He ponders about leaving the post-it on the dining table, but decides against it; instead he throws it on top of his desk. He forgets about it nearly immediately and doesn’t remember it until he finds another one the next day when he’s about to go to the store, taped neatly to one of his shoes, which he doesn’t find in their place on the floor where he’s left them, but instead on the shelf he’d been assigned. _these go here_

He crumples up the note and puts it in his pocket before putting on the shoes and heading out. He nearly forgets about that one little piece of paper as well, and probably wouldn’t have remembered any time soon, had it not been for the third one. And the fourth. And then, a fifth.

It’s always some sort of nag, a passive-aggressive advice scribbled onto the surface and left somewhere Doyoung can easily spot it. After he finds the third one he brings it to Kun, because Kun is home with him that day, but also because so far Kun has been the easiest person to talk to in the house. Kun takes a quick look and a grin spreads over his face, clearly not thinking it's any sort of big deal, “That’s Taeyong hyung’s handwriting.”

Doyoung doesn’t like that someone who he has not yet met would nag him over stupid notes like this. It irks him, maybe a bit too much, but Doyoung is tired and everything is too much lately and he just can’t care for some guy trying to educate him on how to stack his food in the fridge to minimise on the space used, with fucking post-it notes.

By the fourth post-it his irritation reaches a point in which he grabs a blank lined paper from his desk and just writes a _fuck off!!!_ on it before taking some tape and scissors and making his way over to Taeyong and Jaehyun’s room. In a moment of blinding rage he tapes the paper to the door, and for a while just stands there looking at it.

In the end, he takes it down and throws it away. He doesn’t want Jaehyun thinking it was meant for him, and after a moment he calms down enough that rational thought returns to him; he’s going to do the mature thing here. He’s going to tell Taeyong, in a respectful and collected manner, to shove it with the post-its, the next time he sees him.

As Kun has previously mentioned, the occupants of the sharehouse all clean the rooms during the weekend. This is something Doyoung agrees with, this particular policy, so there’s no real ire or frustration at having to start cleaning windows of the little balcony (the first task he is assigned) after the four of them have breakfast.

His ire stems from the fact that that morning he met Taeyong and ever since then there’s been nothing more than the stupid condescending post-it notes on his mind.

Both Kun and Taeyong were sitting at the table when Doyoung emerged from his room. They’d been talking and fell silent as he came out. He stopped awkwardly in place, and that’s when they both turned to look at him.

They got an official introduction out of the way. Taeyong motioned for him to join them at the table and so Doyoung did, coming to sit beside him, while Taeyong was talking. With enough presence of mind Doyoung processed the information; Taeyong was apologising for not being around during the week. Doyoung replied that that was fine, he didn’t really care. And Taeyong laughed. In this strange, almost shy way, as if he wasn’t sure if he should be laughing but was anyway. It was endearing.

And Doyoung didn’t know what to think.

He’d spent the last few days making up an image of Taeyong in his head, painting him in not too flattering colours. He’d taken the post-it notes and went on to make Taeyong out to be a sort of villain in his mind, someone cold and condescending and assholish. As he was sitting there next to Taeyong listening to him talk, he realised that Taeyong was anything but.

He’s still thinking about the notes. It weighs on him, in a weird way. He’s thinking that Taeyong is nice but the notes – all they’re showing is proof of passive-aggression Doyoung can’t really connect to the boy. No matter how much he tries, he can’t put the thoughts to the back of his mind, and coupled with his exhaustion, him not being yet used to the new surroundings, and everything else that had happened to him before that made him move in the first place, Doyoung is on edge.

And it doesn’t take too much for him to snap.

They’re all in the living room, and Taeyong says something. It’s innocent enough, tone light and not in any way commanding, but Doyoung hears it that way anyway; Taeyong tells him to do something another way than he is doing it currently, as if correcting a child on how to do a task properly, and Doyoung – Doyoung has had enough of it.

“Jesus, what’s with all the fucking nagging,“ he hears himself say, “The notes and everything. God, if I wanted to be reminded all the time that everything I’m doing is wrong, I’d just stay living with my father.“

And there is silence. As soon as the words are out of his mouth, everything seems to stop. Kun and Ten share a quick look between themselves, Jaehyun stiffens where he stands and Taeyong freezes with his hand half-raised and turns to look at him. There’s surprise written across his face, and Doyoung can’t do more than helplessly return his gaze. He didn’t mean to raise his voice. He didn’t mean to lose his cool. He didn’t mean to mention his father at all.

It feels like a lifetime before Taeyong tries to say, “I didn’t—“ He pauses. “It wasn’t my intention to make you feel that way.”

Doyoung turns that over in his mind. It occurs to him, then and there, that he might have overreacted. His stomach churns. “Well, it did.” He manages.

“I’m sorry,” Taeyong continues, and for all it’s worth, sounds like he means it. “I wasn’t around to talk to you and I didn’t want to wake you up for something so silly so I just— wrote the notes. I didn’t think—“

Doyoung exhales. In a way, he is relieved. In another, he’s mad, at both himself and Taeyong, even if unreasonably.

“Yeah, no, it’s alright, I’m sorry for – that,” he tries for a light-hearted tone, to dispel the tense air in the room around them, “You couldn’t have known.”

Kun chimes in, “You can just tell us, if there’s ever something you’re not alright with, you know,” he says, and Doyoung sees Jaehyun nod, “Even if it’s something like this. There’s five of us and we can’t always agree on every single thing.”

That’s reasonable, Doyoung thinks. He’s never had to deal with stuff like this; Gongmyung, true to his own words, had actually been lenient to him during the stretch of time they shared a room in their home. Gongmyung never cared much for Doyoung’s boots and their place in the hall or where he’d hung his towels to dry. Not even his mom used to nag him to this extent. And Jungwoo certainly never did. Jungwoo just took care of everything himself.

“Okay,” Doyoung replies, and he feels shaky, “I will.”

Taeyong nods and gives him a smile, before turning back to what he was doing before Doyoung’s outburst. And just like that, everything goes back. Doyoung stands still, out of place and head spinning, and takes it in. Kun and Ten continue to banter and Jaehyun continues to laugh at them. Taeyong is fleeting about the room to and fro and everything is _fine._ Doyoung tries to make sense of it all.

(It’s just strange to him that they don’t care, that they can just turn around and return to what they’ve been doing, as easily as that. It’s weird because he was expecting – Gongmyung always used to argue back, until they would shout themselves nearly hoarse, his father never gave him a chance to defend himself and only made him feel stupid, and Jungwoo argued only for a while before ultimately giving him the cold shoulder for the rest of the day.)

They don’t pay attention to him, while he puts himself together until he can contribute to the work around the house again. And they don‘t mention it. They’re giving him space, he’s sure of it, but they’re still around and still talking to him and Doyoung feels – grateful.

After another half an hour, Taeyong deems the kitchen, living room and bathroom cleaned to his standards, and offers to help Doyoung with his room while Kun, Ten and Jaehyun take care of the two other ones.

There’s not really that much to do in Doyoung’s room in terms of cleaning, but they at least wash the floor, and Doyoung organises his desk.

“We need to get you a new rug,“ Taeyong says, looking down, “This looks ridiculous.“ He’s referring to the markings on the floor. It reminds Doyoung he’s meant to ask about that.

“Yeah, why was it thrown away, anyway? It was in the pictures that I saw online.“

Taeyong looks at him, and something about his expression Doyoung finds confusing. Almost like he’s surprised again, but with an edge of something else. Doyoung can’t quite put his finger on it, before Taeyong is turning away, concealing his face in the process, “It was just old,“ he says, and Doyoung doesn’t believe a syllable of it, “We had to get rid of it.“ It makes Doyoung frown. He’s positive that Taeyong has just lied to him, but he’s not sure he should call him out on it. He’s not really sure why a fucking rug would matter that much, that Taeyong would need to lie about it, why it was not here anymore; but now, now his curiosity is peaked.

Before Doyoung makes his mind up about inquiring more about it, Ten appears in the doorway, “Chicken delivery, yes or no?“

They both say yes at the same time. Taeyong leaves Doyoung in his room to attend to his own and soon the matter of the rug slips to the far back of his mind.

The rest of the day they spend congregated in the living room, though Doyoung still feels a bit like a sore thumb sticking out. He mostly observes the four of them, the way they all interact now that Taeyong’s been thrown into the mix. He picks up on a couple of subtleties, like that Kun lets Taeyong take care of the decisions when he’s around, no matter how small, that Ten refrains from making too many jokes on his expense but still does on Kun‘s, or that Jaehyun seems to really relax in his company, sitting by his side on the roomy sofa.

Doyoung doesn’t feel too much like he fits in with them, though they make an effort to include him in the conversation and they talk to him as if they’ve known each other far longer than just a mere few days. Doyoung wonders, not for the first time, about the previous guy that lived here with them. He knows nearly nothing about him, except that he left a few months ago. He’s curious to know what sort of person he was and why he left, but the one time he tried to ask Kun, Kun gave him a shrug and didn’t really answer.

He decides to try again. As soon as the question leaves his lips, the mood around them shifts so perceptibly Doyoung just about regrets asking immediately.

They’re silent, for a long, anguished second. They look anywhere but at each other. Doyoung knows right away that something is not right, and when Taeyong says in a voice forcefully kept neutral, “He left. He got fed up with us.“ Doyoung is reminded of an earlier moment in his room. The same expression. The same tone of voice.

He can’t begin to guess what it is, but they’re keeping something from him. Hiding something about this guy that used to live here, refusing to talk about him and outright lying. It’s got something to do with the rug, because Doyoung isn’t stupid enough to not connect the dots, but that’s not nearly enough to go on to figure out what had happened to him. But something did.

Doyoung doesn’t inquire further, and soon the tense atmosphere around them dispels, but he doesn’t stop wondering.

He retreats to his room before the rest of them do. He lies in his bed and listening to the muffled sounds of their voices and laughter, he falls asleep.


	2. jungwoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello it is i! with another chapter of this stupid au! which is alternatively titled: crushes (un)requited, past present or future; which is what this chapter's theme is

The week Doyoung starts university is one of the most chaotic weeks of his life up to that moment.

The very first day he’s late to his OT class, because he wasn’t able to find the right door in time. As he makes his way in, the students all turn to pay attention to him and the teacher gives him a stern and disapproving look as he makes his way to an empty seat with an apologetic bow. From then on, Doyoung assesses, everything just keeps on being awful.

His classes are all tedious and long. His teachers, while no doubt competent, hand out assignments left and right like it’s the only thing they know how to do. Doyoung is confused about everything; and all the things the teachers say during orientation confuse him even more. By the end of the first day he returns home with a good stack of papers and study material under his sore arm and a headache that he keeps the entire following week, by the end of which he feels just about ready to die.

His roommates don’t fare much better. Doyoung needs to leave the house quite early each morning to catch his bus, but even by then both Kun and Taeyong are usually gone. It leaves Doyoung only Ten and Jaehyun to deal with in the morning, though he deals more with Ten than anyone else; Jaehyun is quick and efficient at getting ready, so by the time Doyoung brushes his teeth and washes his face, he is also gone.

And that leaves Ten. Ten more often than not takes too much time getting ready for the day, but no matter just how late he’s running, he always has time to eat breakfast. Doyoung wouldn’t care, except he leaves an incredible mess after himself in the kitchen each time and doesn’t seem intent on ever cleaning it up. When Doyoung tells him to do just so, he receives an eyeroll and a sigh in response and then Ten is ducking out of the door.

Doyoung still can’t really figure him out, not even as weeks pass and he becomes accustomed to them all. The others are fairly easy to read; Kun is friendly, kind and calm, has a warm personality and Doyoung loves being around him and talking to him. Jaehyun is just as amiable, though maybe a bit more shy and seclusive, as he spends just as much time holed up in his room by himself as he does hanging out with the rest of them. Doyoung can understand that as well; he too sometimes needs time for himself and to be left alone. It doesn’t stop Jaehyun from being endlessly kind. Since Doyoung has moved in he can’t recall a single day when Jaehyun wouldn’t smile, or a day that Doyoung wouldn’t feel comfortable in his serene presence. Even Taeyong, though Doyoung had spent much less time around him than the other three boys, isn’t as much of an enigma as he’d been that first week – now that Doyoung knows what he’s about, it’s quite easy to understand him as well.

But Ten is a mystery of fluttering lashes, sassy remarks and provocative grins, and Doyoung can’t tell if it’s some sort of act or if it’s genuine, and really doesn’t like how all of that reminds him of Jungwoo.

(They’re not that similar, when Doyoung stops to think it over enough to rationalise it, but maybe he won’t ever be able to not see Jungwoo in everything that’s around, especially in the places that are void of him.)

Doyoung wouldn’t even go so far as to claim he doesn’t like Ten. He likes him plenty, and still wants to be his friend. They don’t talk too much, mostly because Doyoung doesn’t know what topics to bring up with him, and Ten doesn’t usually approach him either if the others aren’t around or if he isn’t teasing him in some way. Ten has a way of speaking that Doyoung can’t see through most times; can’t tell if he means what he says or if it’s just jokes, and the fact irritates him.

But it’s not like they never speak to each other. Ten seems fascinated by the fact that Doyoung is single, and though Doyoung can’t understand why, he becomes considerably interested in Doyoung’s romantic life. And that irritates him even more.

When Kun is around, he saves Doyoung from having to evade the subject, but sometimes it’s just him and Ten in the afternoon, after Doyoung returns from school and he finds Ten sitting at the table, scribbling into a notebook.

Ten is persistent. Doyoung doesn’t want to really talk about any of it, at least not yet. He still hasn’t told them he’s gay, and he feels like he shouldn’t even need to; he has no interest in dating. Not at the moment. He won’t be bringing anyone home and he won’t be going out on dates. That doesn’t stop Ten from asking about his ideal type.

Doyoung wonders how to deflect, “I don’t have one.“

Ten gives him a dubious look, “Everybody has one.“

“I don’t,“ Doyoung shrugs his shoulders, trying to appear nonchalant, “I guess I just never really thought about it.“ It’s not a complete lie.

He’s wishing Ten would drop the subject, but he only suggests, “Well, think about it now?“

“Why?“

Ten throws back at him, “Why not?“

Ten really is a strange guy. He also seems to be expecting a reply, one eyebrow raised, and Doyoung searches for any sort of a way out and comes up short, “I don’t—I don’t know.“

Ten is about to reply, but mercifully for Doyoung, his phone starts ringing and cuts him off. Ten looks at the screen and is out of his seat in one blink of an eye. He disappears down the hallway to his room just as quickly.

That also happens a lot, as Doyoung has come to know. Ten spends, by Doyoung’s personal guesstimation, a good majority of his days talking on the phone, though Doyoung has no idea who’s on the other end. Ten‘s phone seems to be ringing virtually all the time, mostly in the evenings on the week days and the morning on the weekends. Usually Ten scampers off to his room to talk to whoever is calling him privately, but sometimes he looks at the number on the screen, silences the call, and keeps frowning for the rest of the day.

The others seem to be used to it. Only Doyoung looks after him when he runs to his room one evening, phone tightly clutched in hand, “Who keeps calling him?“

It’s Jaehyun that answers, “One of his girlfriends, probably.“

Doyoung’s eyebrows rise up, “One of them?“

“His exes. Who even knows how many of them there are at this point,“ Jaehyun laughs, “I always lose track.“

That didn’t really answer Doyoung’s question, so he looks to Kun to see if he will have any input, and he does, almost sounding bored as he looks from the TV to address him, “He’s always breaking up and making up with someone. It’s really hard to keep up with his flings.“

Jaehyun pipes in, “I’m pretty sure there was more than one girl at a time at some point.“

Taeyong’s voice carries over to them from the kitchen. Doyoung didn’t realise he was paying attention to them, “When he was with Seohyun wasn’t he secretly dating Yura as well?“

Kun hums, and Jaehyun says, “That’s right! He was,“ to which Kun adds, “He broke up with Seohyun soon after, though.“

“And they still call him?“ Doyoung’s eyes widen.

“Sometimes,“ Kun shrugs. “Though this I think was his current one. He was complaining about her the other day.“

“What was her name again? Yeoreum?“ Taeyong asks.

“Yeah,“ Kun sighs, “Yeoreum.“

There’s the sound of the door opening, and Ten breezes past the living room, dressed in jeans, a hoodie and a grey beanie pulled over his head. “I’m going out,“ He declares.

Taeyong reacts first, “What, now? But dinner is almost finished.“

Ten puts on his shoes while he answers from the hallway, “Then save some for me, I’ll eat it when I get back. I won’t be too long.“

“Well, fine, but—“ Taeyong starts, but Ten is already disappearing out the front door that closes after him comically slowly, accompanied by the keypad beep as it clicks shut.

Kun only sighs again. They continue to watch TV until Taeyong calls them for dinner.

\--

In about a week Ten approaches Doyoung again. Doyoung has thought that maybe he’s given up on that particular line of questioning, but comes to find that he certainly did not.

“Have you ever been on a blind date, Doyoung?“

Doyoung doesn’t know how to reply for a second. In fact, he has not, but he doesn’t see how it is in any way important or interesting and doesn’t understand why Ten is looking at him so expectantly.

He decides to answer truthfully, “I have not.“

Ten smiles. It’s admittedly a pretty smile, but Doyoung doesn’t like what it suggests, “Would you like to go on one?“

Doyoung can’t help but frown. “Not really.“

“Are you sure? I could set you up.“

Doyoung shakes his head, “I appreciate the offer, but I’m not interested.“

“Not even if it was a group date?“

It is Jaehyun that cuts into their conversation this time, replying so Doyoung doesn’t need to, hint of amusement in his voice, “He said he doesn’t want to. I doubt that’s going to change his mind.“

Ten doesn’t seem perturbed, “I’m just asking. That’s not a crime.”

Jaehyun snorts, “Not everyone is as obsessed with girls as you are, give him a break.”

“But you’re so handsome,” Ten addresses Doyoung, “If I looked like you—“

“Please stop,” Doyoung tells him, taking care to sound disinterested.

“I can’t believe you’re turning me down on this offer.“ Ten sighs.

Jaehyun doesn’t seem too bothered by Ten’s lament, “Life doesn’t revolve around dating.”

Ten shrugs his shoulders, “You’re saying that only ‘cause you’ve been single your whole life. Which is also weird.”

“I’ve had other things on my mind,“ Jaehyun answers.

Ten rolls his eyes, and turns his attention to Doyoung again. “What about you?”

Doyoung raises an eyebrow at him, “What about me what?”

“Are you a virgin?”

Doyoung cannot help the incredulous laugh that escapes him. Jaehyun seems similarly taken aback, though he quickly chastises, “Hyung, don’t just ask him that.”

Ten is kind of incredible, Doyoung thinks. He hasn’t quite met anyone like him before, someone so surprisingly forward. Ten doesn’t seem to care about whether his words cause discomfort, but not in a malicious way. Doyoung is also sure each and every word he utters is carefully measured beforehand. It’s a curious thing to behold.

Ten rephrases his question when Doyoung doesn’t answer, “Have you at least dated before?”

“I have,” Doyoung admits, though he has to force the words out of his mouth, “once.“

“Well, okay, that’s alright,“ Ten says, “Then what was she like?“

She wasn’t a she, for one. “I’d rather not talk about it.“

“Why? What happened with her?“

“God, stop prying,“ Doyoung says and gets up, because his patience is running out, slowly but surely, “It’s none of your business.“

He retreats to his room, in a sort of escape, though he might have only evaded Ten’s invasive questions for the time being. Much to his exasperation, however, he cannot escape his own mind, and so he starts to think, whether he wants to or not.

And he thinks about Jungwoo.

\--

Kim Jungwoo broke Doyoung’s heart, but before that, he was Doyoung’s everything.

They met when Doyoung was twelve, and started dating when he was fifteen. It was admittedly early, but at the time it didn’t seem like a big deal; they were best friends, they were already inseparable, they felt like they were meant for each other.

Doyoung can still remember the way Jungwoo looked, the night he confessed, can recall the feeling of his lips against Jungwoo‘s when they shared their first, clumsy, shy kiss, can feel the ghosts of butterflies in his stomach and how lightheaded it made him. Jungwoo was Doyoung’s many firsts, and also many of his only ones – first true friend, first boyfriend, first kiss. First love.

He wasn’t ever perfect, objectively. As a twelve year old boy Jungwoo was easily intimidated and impressionable, timid and quiet. He used to sit alone during lunch and recess, and barely talked, even when the teachers would question him. Doyoung pitied him, at first; felt sorry for him, for the way he couldn’t seem to meet other people’s eyes when they were speaking to him, how he whispered his sentences and had to repeat them several times because no one could really hear what he was saying. How lonely he must have felt.

Doyoung doesn’t think he was an extroverted child himself, though he might have exuded the impression that he was. He was always scared, when strangers approached him, was afraid of interaction on the grounds that he was scared he would make an idiot out of himself, but he made it work; it was something Gongmyung taught him how to do. Not by outright teaching him, but by being an example for Doyoung to follow for the better part of his life – Doyoung somewhat modelled himself after his older brother, without even realising that was what he was doing. Gongmyung had always been a steady presence in his life, larger than life and sociable and solid, and Doyoung wanted to be more like him, so cool, with so many achievements under his belt and so many friends by his side. Doyoung likes to think that he’d long outgrown the phase of his life in which he’d wanted to surpass him, but if nothing else, he still respects him.

If there was one thing Doyoung understood more than anything, it was loneliness; he’d always tried, but he wasn’t able to make many friends. Maybe that was what made him come to Jungwoo one day and sit beside him. Maybe Jungwoo realised, or maybe he’d also seen Doyoung sitting alone at lunch and figured they were like two peas in a pod – Doyoung doesn’t really know. But Jungwoo was less shy around him, talked more and even giggled, and before Doyoung knew it, they were friends.

\--

Doyoung is lying on his back on his bed, looking at the ceiling unseeing, when there is a soft knock on his door. No one ever knocks except for Kun, and Doyoung can tell by the sound that it isn’t him, so he sits up and calls out, “Come in.“

It’s Taeyong. He slips through the door swiftly, quietly, “Hi.“

“Hey,“ Doyoung watches Taeyong close the door after himself, “When did you get home?“

“Just a few minutes ago. Can we talk?“

Doyoung wonders if he’s in trouble. He tries to remember if he’d done anything wrong again – he doesn’t think he left his sneakers on the floor, and he’s positive he left the kitchen clean after himself. “Sure.“

He scoots down his mattress to make room for him, but Taeyong either doesn’t notice or just opts instead to sit in the chair at his desk. “I’m not here to scold you, relax,“ he tells him, a hint of smile on his lips.

Doyoung pretends he doesn’t feel relief, even as it washes all over him. “Then what’s this about?“

“It’s about Ten,“ Taeyong says simply, “He’s under the impression he might have pissed you off.“

“Is he?“ This isn’t him being petty, he’s honestly asking.

“That’s what I gathered,“ Taeyong ponders, “But you don’t seem angry.“

Doyoung sighs, “I’m not.“ And he really isn’t. He doesn’t know how to articulate his current emotions, but anger isn’t one of them. “It’s not that.“

“That’s—that’s good,“ Taeyong admits, and Doyoung notices he squirms in his seat, “I was worried I wouldn’t know what to say if you were actually mad.“

Doyoung thinks that’s irrational. Taeyong wouldn’t have needed to say anything; it wasn’t him who crossed a line. Ten might have realised he’d crossed it only after Doyoung walked away, admittedly, but still he doesn’t think Taeyoung should be here talking to him about it in his stead. “Why are you here again?“

“To tell you that he’s sorry,“ Taeyong answers, “In whatever way he offended you, he seems to regret it.“

“Well, fine,“ Doyoung blinks, confused, “But shouldn’t he be the one to tell me that himself?“

“Just between you and me, the fact that he’d asked me to, uh, check on you,“ Taeyong says, “Makes me believe he seriously feels bad about whatever he did. He’s... Sometimes he says stuff that he doesn’t think is serious, and it can lead to—I mean, I also did that, didn’t I? Without meaning to. Something I thought of as not a big deal turned out to be – not a deal, but something to you, and I guess what I’m saying is—“

Doyoung cuts him off, though at least he tries to do it softly, “I know what you’re saying, hyung.“

“Well, okay,“ Taeyong nods, and Doyoung notes that he pouts, somewhat cutely, “Then could you talk to him, first? He’s- You’ll get used to him, and the stuff he says. He’s harmless, really, he just doesn’t always think things through as well as he should. But he’s not mean. Or not to us, usually.“

Maybe that’s something the two of them could bond over, Doyoung thinks. He also sometimes gains the impression he doesn’t think things through as best as he could, and so he realises he needs to ask them to not ask him about certain things he’s not ready to talk about yet, instead of just keeping silent about them.

When he assents, Taeyong stands up, “Dinner will be ready soon, come on.“ He leaves, and also leaves the door hanging open, and through it Doyoung catches Ten at the kitchen table, looking at him, though as soon as he realises Doyoung is watching him back he turns his gaze away.

Doyoung slowly gets to his feet, and walks over to him. When Ten is still refusing to look at him, he sits down opposite him with a huff, “I’m not mad at you.“

Ten snaps his gaze to him, “You’re not? Really?“

Doyoung resists the urge to roll his eyes, “Yes, really. I don’t get angry all that often.“ They haven’t seen him angry. Neither Taeyong nor Ten have done anything to warrant his anger; his exasperation and irritation, sure, but not his rage.

“But-“

Kun has been silently eyeing them from behind the counter, and Taeyong is leaning against their sofa’s armrest, looking at them. Jaehyun isn’t here, but Doyoung is sure they will pass the message along, and so he just says it, without preamble, “I just – I have some things I don’t want to talk about, and I guess I want you all to respect that, and also not question me about them.“

Kun seems confused, but replies anyway, “Of course.“

But Doyoung is looking at Ten, because this is mainly who the explanation is for, “I have gotten out of a relationship, recently.“ He doesn’t know if half-a-year-ago qualifies as recently, but it still feels recent to him. “We’ve been together for over three years and friends even longer, and it was—it seemed serious.“

“Oh,“ Ten looks serious, maybe the most somber and sincere Doyoung’s seen him since he moved in, even, and he thinks that he likes it more when he laughs. Ten has a gorgeous smile. Serious doesn’t suit him as much. “I’m sorry to hear that. That‘s a long time.“

“It is,“ Doyoung nods, “I’m still not ready to date. I feel like I can’t.“

“Did she break up with you?“ Ten asks, and even though Doyoung could sort that question into the that’s-exactly-what-I-don’t-want-to-discuss column, he lets it slide.

“He did,“ he says in a tone as neutral and light as he can make it, “When I needed him most he left to study in America. But that’s not the reason. Or it’s one of the reasons. That doesn’t matter.“

“I should have guessed you were gay,“ Ten says after a moment of silence, “Makes more sense.“

Doyoung should be appalled that that’s the part of his speech he chose to focus on, but he feels like he’s starting to understand Ten a bit more, finally, “Will that be a problem?“

Ten laughs, subdued and quiet, but he does, “Who do you think we are? Of course not. Right? We’re cool with it.“ He looks around, and Doyoung sees both Kun and Taeyong nod in their agreement. And Ten immediately focuses his attention to Kun again, talking about something else, and none of what Doyoung just said was a big deal, and that’s something he feels relieved about. Taeyong gives him a thumbs up when Doyoung looks at him, and Doyoung can’t help but smile, allows just one corner of his mouth to lift up.

That’s another rock off the weight on his shoulders he didn’t realise he was carrying.

\--

Jungwoo grew into his skin during his adolescence. He went from a timid twelve year old kid to a, while still shy, considerably confident fifteen year old. He’d stopped shrinking into himself around new people, he’d stopped looking away when they were talking. He still talked so softly, but it didn’t carry the undertone of fear or nerves; it was just the way that Jungwoo spoke. Doyoung loved it and loved his voice, the gentle cadence of it, how it seemed to caress his skin when he would say Doyoung’s name.

Doyoung realised just shy of fourteen that he liked other boys, but Jungwoo knew about himself long before then – he’d confessed so one night when him and Doyoung were talking, during a sleepover at Doyoung’s house, a few months before Doyoung’s fourteenth birthday. It was also a sort of catalyst of his self-discovery journey; Jungwoo liked boys, and so not for the first time when Doyoung tried to figure out why he didn’t care for girls the way his classmates did, he figured out that it was simply because he liked boys as well. The realisation didn’t come as startling – it felt right, and he felt put at peace. For some time he’d thought it was maybe just Jungwoo that was special to him in a way no one else was, with his quiet voice and delicate smile, but he’d come to notice that he’d always been perceptive of other boys more than he was of anyone else: noticed their hair, their eyes, and mistaken his feelings for respect or jealousy.

Even with this knowledge, Doyoung wasn’t vocal about his preference. The people close to him knew – his mother and father, Gongmyung, a few friends, and he felt like that was enough. But Jungwoo was different, especially from fifteen and up, and he didn’t care that people knew. Even the ones that were better off not knowing.

(Sometimes still Doyoungs dreams about Jungwoo’s mom yelling at him, or about the high school bullies that would push Jungwoo into his desk not caring if they hurt him, would hear the echoes of their hateful slurs long after he’s awoken and he wouldn’t be able to shake them from his skin the entire day.)

Jungwoo was complicated. He was a mess of traits that made next to no sense together, rationally, but Doyoung had an advantage, having known him for as long as he did. If anything, he found Jungwoo’s shortcomings charming; but he was also biased, and therefore he ignored the more severe ones until it was too late to do anything about them.

He knows Jungwoo was never a bad person. He knows that Jungwoo wouldn’t have hurt him on purpose, but what they both didn’t realise while they were dating, especially in the earlier stage of their relationship, was that he was hurtful whether he meant to or not. He was damaging. It has taken Doyoung months to come to terms with it.

The first thing that should have rang sirens inside Doyoung’s head was the jealousy, but he was in love, and so he turned a blind eye. Jungwoo was jealous of everyone that wasn’t Doyoung’s family, and even then he never liked it much whenever Doyoung would spend time with Gongmyung or Jeno outside of his home. Doyoung had found his clinginess endearing at first, and when they began dating he used to think of it fondly, remembers teasing him about always missing him. But Jungwoo didn’t just miss him, and in time it transformed into something Doyoung should have recognised as a problem: always asking where he was going, who he was with, going as far as snooping on his phone to know who was talking to him and about what. It wasn’t nice, certainly – it made Doyoung lose a bunch of friends inevitably when Jungwoo would accuse him, “You don’t wanna spend time with me anymore.“ and no matter how many times Doyoung assured him that he did and that there wasn’t anyone else he’d rather spend his days with, it wouldn’t get through Jungwoo’s skull.

But he loved him, and so he did what he asked, out of a misplaced sense of loyalty because he just didn’t know any better at the time; he stopped hanging out with his friends so much, or with some altogether, and spent his time only with Jungwoo instead. He never spoke to his classmates unless it was unavoidable for various school-related purposes, not wanting to be accused of harbouring secret feelings for them; he barely socialised with people in his singing club even though they would invite him to play with them after the classes; he refused his brother‘s offers to go to the movies, or to watch a football match he would be playing with his friends.

It all felt worth it though. In retrospect he knows their relationship was a mess, but he didn’t doubt for a second that he was loved in return. It wasn’t all bad, too; Jungwoo was caring, tender, sweet. Doyoung still thinks it was a good couple of years of his life.

Despite everything, at the end of the day he had Jungwoo, and even if that might have been all, it sufficed.

He never thought Jungwoo would be the one to break up with him.

Maybe he should have seen it coming. The signs were all there though maybe foggy and hidden, but Doyoung could have picked up on them easily had he not chosen to look the other way. He’s not too sure when it began, he only realised that gradually they’d withdrawn from one another, two people that knew too much about the other that now somehow despite that felt like strangers.

It wasn’t easy to admit and it was harder still to hear Jungwoo say that he was leaving, not planning on keeping Doyoung around. At first Doyoung didn’t understand – Jungwoo loved him, he knew; loved him because he’d had no one else in the world to keep close. But maybe that was one of the reasons. There were several, and Doyoung had tried during the lonely months that would follow to put them together to a list, to make sense of it somehow. He would come to realise that Jungwoo did the best thing for the both of them, whether he knew that or not.

But before all that, he would only feel his heartache, and a sadness made more profound by circumstance; Doyoung’s mother had passed away two months before Jungwoo broke the news to him that he was leaving for America. Doyoung – Doyoung wasn’t doing okay back then, they both were aware, but he felt grounded in the one thing he felt positive was solid and forever and Jungwoo – Jungwoo was just taking it away.

It wasn’t an argument. They didn’t do arguments, not even when they were fighting. Jungwoo wasn’t capable of anger in the capacity that most people were, and rather he turned silent and sulked until Doyoung persuaded him enough to talk it through. Doyoung was just as stubborn, though, and so sometimes it took time for them both to come around.

Jungwoo cried during the talk. Doyoung didn’t. Doyoung didn’t have it in him; he just sat there, looked at Jungwoo’s face and wondered where did everything go so wrong. It was his fault, he figured that much. It must have been.

When he asked why, Jungwoo took the time to reply. He can’t even remember much of what he’d said except for one thing, the one reason that Doyoung will not be able to forget, “Doyoung, I love you, but I just... I don’t think I like you, anymore.“ And then, quieter, “You’ve changed.“

Doyoung couldn’t dispute that, since it was a simple truth. But he did feel like it was unfair; Jungwoo had also changed and yet Doyoung molded himself to fit into his shape and never outright complained. But Jungwoo was different than he’d been when he was younger, and Doyoung was different than he was a few months ago.

And they no longer fit together.

\--

When Doyoung is grabbing a snack later that evening, Taeyong catches him in the kitchen, and stands around for a bit not being overly subtle that he’s there to talk to him. He doesn’t say anything for a while, only keeps glancing at him like he’s not sure how to say what he wants to say, and Doyoung finds it somewhat amusing. Taeyong looks so cool and collected, so tough in his leather jackets and ripped jeans and black hair that falls into his steely eyes. But Doyoung doesn’t think he’s ever met someone so completely different on the inside that his outside appearance suggests.

When it becomes obvious to him that Taeyong’s social ineptitude is keeping him from talking, he decides to help him; though he also considerably lacks in social prowess, and so it comes out with a sigh, sounding like he’s exasperated when he really isn’t, “What is it?“

Taeyong blinks, and looks away, and maybe blushes, but that might just be the lighting, “I just—wanted to tell you, I guess, because you should know and I’m not sure if you— That is, if you ever need someone, to talk to, you can talk to me.“

That’s not what Doyoung had been expecting. When Doyoung doesn’t reply, Taeyong goes on, “Or to any of us. Not about – what you told us today, but that too, if you ever feel like it? Just about-anything. You can always come to us.“

Doyoung isn’t really sure why he’s telling him that, but he realises it is a nice thing and he didn’t need to, and so he says, “I... Okay. I will.“

“Okay,“ Taeyong nods, “Okay, good.“

When Doyoung turns to walk to his room, he finds Jaehyun standing not too far away, looking at them, and Doyoung wonders how long he’s been there. He gives Doyoung a smile and asks, “We’re gonna watch a movie, you in?“

It’s not like Doyoung has any special plans for the evening except sitting at his desk reading his textbooks, but he still asks, “What movie?“

“Jae, can you make some popcorn for us?“ Ten’s voice comes from where he’s slumped on the sofa, and Jaehyun calls back, “I’m on it!“ And then, to Doyoung, “Something about magicians and criminals. An action comedy.“

Doyoung figures, “Yeah, sounds fun, why not.“

Doyoung crosses the room to sit in one of the empty armchairs. Kun and Ten are in the middle of a discussion about a magic trick and throwing around terms Doyoung doesn’t really understand, and so he doesn’t keep up with it for too long. He notices that Taeyong stays in the kitchen leaning against the counter while Jaehyun prepares a few bowls with snacks. He looks lost in thought, eyes staring at the ground and unfocused, and snaps out of it only when Jaehyun says something to him that Doyoung is too far to hear clearly. Taeyong looks at him and replies, and they talk for a few seconds. Doyoung cannot catch more than a few random words at a time: he hears _I don’t want_ and _again_ and _seems sad_ and what he thinks is the name _Hansol._ In the end Jaehyun puts his hand on Taeyong’s shoulder, says one more thing, and Taeyong nods.

When they come over, sit down and Kun presses play on the movie, Doyoung chances a look at Taeyong. He is focused on the screen, but his eyes still betray a bit of trouble, maybe even that he himself is unaware of. Taeyong usually looks tired, but he never looks this haunted. It doesn’t sit well with Doyoung.

\--

Over the course of the few weeks that Doyoung has so far lived in the sharehouse, he gradually lets himself admit that Jaehyun is an exceptionally handsome guy. Much to his disappointment, he is also undeniably and maybe unfortunately, straight.

Jaehyun is remarkably friendly. He helps Doyoung with anything that Doyoung needs, he keeps him company when the others are out of the house, and at times Doyoung feels like he is downright flirting with him, though after a bit of observation notes that is just his natural disposition when talking to other people. He makes Doyoung feel comfortable and unburdened in his presence, to the point where Doyoung actively starts seeking him out. He isn’t the only one – Ten loves to hang out with Jaehyun and watch movies when they have some free time, Kun always seems grateful when Jaehyun offers to help when he’s preparing their dinner, and Taeyong, when he’s home, is practically glued to his side more often than not.

At first Doyoung had thought that maybe the two of them were together, but soon came to find out they weren’t for a number of reasons. They cuddle a lot, but Jaehyun also cuddles the other boys; Taeyong obviously has a soft spot for him, but he is soft generally; and last but not least, Jaehyun apparently has a crush on a girl named Hyoyeon.

He denies it when Ten brings it up, says they’re only friends, there is nothing going on. It doesn’t escape Doyoung’s notice that his ears turn a vibrant shade of red, however. That in itself is so charming and cute, Doyoung feels bad for the guy.

“Mm-hm, there’s nothing going on, the same way there’s nothing going on between Taeyong hyung and Seulgi,“ Ten teases him.

“Seulgi and I are just friends,“ Taeyong says, in a tone of voice that tells Doyoung they’ve had this talk before, possibly several times.

“Yeah, just like Jaehyun and Hyoyeon are just friends.“

“We _are_ only friends,“ Jaehyun insists.

“You wouldn’t be if you asked her out,“ Ten bits out. “You like her. And I can guarantee you she wouldn’t turn you down.“

Kun speaks up, like he’s trying to help Jaehyun out, “Not everyone is like you.“

“What do you mean?“

“This fearless about that,“ Kun gestures with his hands, “We can’t all just ask people out all the time. It’s a big deal to some of us.“

Ten raises an eyebrow at him, and with that his voice, “You think I’m not afraid?“

“Please,“ Kun seems to resist the urge to roll his eyes.

“I am terrified,“ Ten admits. “Each and every time!“

Jaehyun asks, “But then how do you—do it?“

Ten shrugs, “I just don’t let the fear stop me. What does that accomplish? It’s better to do _something_ than sit on your ass feeling sorry for yourself thinking about what could have been. Like what’s the worst thing that could happen, you know?“

Jaehyun lowers his head, “I don’t know, rejection?“ Doyoung notices Kun nod, ever so slightly, in his peripheral vision.

“So they reject you sometimes, so what,“ Ten says, “That’s a risk you have to take.“

Kun speaks up, but doesn’t meet Ten’s eyes, “What if your confession ruins the friendship between you and your... crush?“ Doyoung sees him twiddle his thumbs. “What happens then?“

“If the friendship is real, it won’t get ruined,“ Ten answers sagely.

“You don’t know that for sure,“ Kun murmurs.

“If something like this ruins a friendship, then it sucked in the first place, that’s what I think,“ Ten declares, and then his eyes widen, as does his smile as he looks at Kun, “Wait, wait, who do you have a crush on?“

Kun shakes his head, and it’s only because Doyoung is sitting so close to him that he picks up on the blush on his cheeks, “No one. I was asking hypothetically.“

Doyoung thinks that’s a piss-poor excuse, and is glad that Ten picks up on it as well, “Like i believe that. How come I don’t know about this?“

Kun sighs, still not really looking at Ten, “It’s not really a crush—it’s a stupid infatuation.“

“You said you were friends. Is she your classmate?“ Ten inquires. Doyoung notices that both Jaehyun and Taeyong have fallen quiet, and that from behind Ten’s back Taeyong is sending Kun looks that Doyoung parses as apologetic. It takes him a second before he figures the situation out. Ten adds, “Oh my god, is it Yeri?“

Kun is refusing to meet Ten’s eyes. Taeyong is acting like he wants to stop Ten from questioning him, but doesn’t really know how. Jaehyun looks uncomfortable. It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together. Kun anwers, “It’s not Yeri. It doesn’t matter.“

Ten opens his mouth like he’s about to speak, and stops as ringing cuts through the air around them. Ten takes his phone out of his pocket, looks at it, and makes a grimace, “I have to take this.“ He looks to Kun, “We’ll talk later?“

Kun nods, already shooing him away, “Go, go.“

Ten runs to his room. Kun throws himself back against the cushions and groans, while Taeyong reaches out to place a hand on his shoulder, “Sorry. I didn’t know what to say to stop him from asking.“

Kun shakes his head, “That’s fine. It’s just—“ he makes a frustrated noise, “He makes it seem so easy.“

Taeyong keeps his voice low, though Doyoung doubts it could carry over to Ten’s room even if he hadn’t, “I know. But maybe he was right? Your friendship wouldn’t be ruined, if you—“

Kun stops him, “I don’t think it’s that simple,“ he says, “We’ve been friends for too long.“

Taeyong hasn’t got a response to that. Kun stands up, and glances at Doyoung like he’s remembering he’s there, too. Before he walks off, he addresses him, “Don’t tell Ten?“ Doyoung feels hurt for a splinter of a second that Kun would assume he would rat him out, because he clearly sees it’s something Kun doesn’t want, but even though he was planning on doing no such thing, he chooses not to comment on it. He simply answers, “I won’t.“

Nobody speaks again while Kun puts on a light jacket and his shoes. Before he walks out the door, he tells them, “I’ll take a walk, clear my head. I won’t be long.“ No one objects, and soon the door closes after him, the familiar beep of the keypad soon following.

Taeyong lets out a sigh, and when Doyoung looks him over notices just how exhausted he looks. Jaehyun retreats to his room with the excuse of homework, at the same time as Ten returns. He looks around the room when he doesn’t spot Kun sitting in the chair he occupied before. “Where is he?“

Taeyong cranes his neck to look at him from the sofa, “He went for a walk.“ Ten cocks his head to the side, and Taeyong adds, “I don’t think he wants to talk about his crush.“

“Oh,“ Ten huffs, “No one ever wants to talk about that.“

“Except for you,“ Taeyong snickers, quietly, “Don’t give him a hard time about it, okay?“

“I didn’t mean to,“ Ten says quickly. He looks like he wants to say more, but holds his tongue in the end; he does speak again, but Doyoung gets the impression it’s not what he’d wanted to ask. “What’s for dinner?“

Taeyong shrugs, “I don’t know. I’ll make something.“

Doyoung interjects, “Actually, if it’s alright, I’d like to cook today.“

Taeyong blinks at him, as if surprised. “More than alright,“ he responds, and Doyoung thinks he’s imagining that he sounds thankful, “The kitchen is all yours.“

Later, as Doyoung is moving about the kitchen, the conversation they’ve had keeps replaying itself in pieces in his head, over and over. Taeyong is lounging in the living room still, and from the angle Doyoung sees him at he doesn’t know whether he’s watching the television or if he’s asleep, but privately hopes for the latter. Ten and Jaehyun have not ventured out of their rooms in the past hour, and Kun came back, looking calm and collected and happy the way he always does, no indication that anything was ever wrong in the first place. He’d retrieved his laptop from his room and sat himself down at the dinner table, told Doyoung he needs to work on assignments before putting earphones in his ears.

Doyoung thought he’d had these boys more-or-less figured out, but now finds that he isn’t so sure of that anymore. He’d came into the house thinking he was the only one carrying too much baggage, but maybe he was too hasty in making that sort of assumption. It feels like he’d only scratched the surface, with the rest of them.

There is a bit of unusual tension that evening at dinner, but Taeyong does his best to dispel it. Doyoung helps however he can, fills the silence with anything that comes to mind if the conversation comes to a lull. After their meal, Taeyong helps him wash and put away the dishes while the others turn in for the night.

At one point, Taeyong leans against the table and just stands there, eyes closed. It’s only for a short moment, but still when Taeyong blinks his eyes open and Doyoung spots his dark circles again, he needs to ask, “Are you okay?“

He isn’t surprised when Taeyong says, immediately, “I am.“ Doyoung doesn’t buy it. He doesn’t look okay. He must be so tired, now that school started, Doyoung didn’t really realise the full impact of that before; how packed his schedule must be now that he needs to squeeze classes in besides his work. The only free time he gets is during the weekends, and even then he can’t really relax, dealing with assignments and the rest of them all. Taeyong takes care of the other boys, as the oldest, but Doyoung wonders whether anyone ever takes care of him in return.

“Don’t stay up too late,“ Taeyong advises before he bids him goodnight. Doyoung stares at the back of his head as he walks down the hallway, and only after the door has closed after him he retreats to his own room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise jungwoo will get redeemed and that this is gonna pick up soon. at least i Hope fhjghfj
> 
> next chapter there'll be a new never before mentioned character appearing!! guess who!! [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/neocxxlture) | [twitter](https://twitter.com/paperplane_127)


	3. hansol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry this chapter is so late. school and life have been crazy and i was kinda writing other things in the meantime too ;; the updates on this fic might be slow going forward as well, but it will get finished! i don't plan on abandoning it, and i am grateful for the support it received so far, i really am <3 from the bottom of my heart, thank you. if you're here and reading this, we have embarked on this journey together, and i wanna see it to the very end.
> 
> anyhow. here it is. chapter 3. it was both easy and really hard to write.  
> WARNING for mentions of suicide. nothing in detail, but it's there, so please take care!
> 
> with that out of the way, i hope this chapter can still be enjoyable!

Doyoung discovers by random chance that Taeyong attends the same university he does.

He is not sure how that slipped his notice, although he doesn’t think anyone in the house mentioned it before. He’s positive he would have remembered if they did.

It’s only one day that he walks into the cafeteria, tired and starving after his morning lectures, when he sees him there. Doyoung takes a tray, gets a plate of food, and surveys the room for available seats. That is when he spots Taeyong: sitting at a table by the furthest wall, a lunchbox in front of him, textbook opened right next to it, earphones in.

For a splinter of a second Doyoung considers going over before deciding against it and finding himself an empty seat in the middle of the room instead. Taeyong doesn’t look like he wants to be bothered, and Doyoung would hate to interrupt him if he is studying.

He does not see Taeyong every day. Sometimes he only catches a glimpse of him once a week, and it’s in the cafeteria only. Taeyong always sits at the same table, always reads a textbook while he eats his meal, and always keeps earphones in his ears. Doyoung always finds an available seat for himself and watches Taeyong from time to time from the corner of his eye. They haven't had the chance to talk yet, at home. Doyoung is curious about him – his major most of all.

There are some days, though, when another guy approaches Taeyong. He usually sits down on the opposite seat, and the two of them talk for a while. Doyoung doesn’t ever get a closer look at this other boy‘s face, but he is tall, broad shouldered and carries around himself an intimidating aura. Doyoung wonders if this guy and Taeyong are friends.

He wants to ask. He wants to talk to Taeyong, as they’ve still not really had much time to do so, but somehow, he cannot make himself approach him in school, and he never catches him at home lately. If he does, they are always surrounded by the others. So Doyoung keeps his questions at the back of his throat and keeps his distance.

A few weeks into his life at the house, Doyoung finally gets the chance to meet the house’s owner. She knocks on their door one afternoon and promptly delivers the news to them that there’s been someone sketchy seen loitering around the neighborhood, and that they should be careful.

“You never know what sort of messed up people are out there, so do take care,“ she tells them, sharp gaze and firm tone, “I’d be sad if something happened to any of you.“ Doyoung decides immediately that he likes her a lot.

He officially introduces himself to her, as he feels like it is long overdue. She gives him a warm smile, and he believes she means it unconditionally when she says she is glad to have him there.

“I am happy to see that room be used again,“ she admits to him, “It was getting a bit sad seeing it empty all the time. A terrible reminder.“

Doyoung barely has time to process that. A reminder to what, he wants to ask. How long has it been empty? Who has been living in it before him? But she is leaving again, too busy for his questions, and the others don’t want to tell him about this guy that lived there, so he doesn’t bother asking aloud.

He’s going to need go about this another way. He doesn’t know how yet, but he feels like he has a right to know, and so he’s going to figure out how to get at least one of them to talk.

\--

Doyoung finds it within himself to finally give his brother a call.

He’s not sure why he’s been putting it off. It was exhaustion at first, and the chaotic state he’d been in after moving into the new house and getting settled in. He didn’t have the strength for the call – he didn’t have strength to even reply to Gongmyung’s messages. He simply ignored them all as they piled up in his inbox.

School takes most of Doyoung’s time and focus. He attends classes, he comes home, he works on assignments and homework and sometimes practices singing, and then he sleeps; there is not much variety to his day-to-day routine. It seems to be case with the others as well now that it’s coming up on their final few weeks of the semester before exam period kicks off. They still hang out, they have dinner together at the table almost every day, they have movie nights once a week. But everyone is busy with their own stuff, so more often than not, Doyoung is left to his own devices.

The weather is getting warmer every day. It is the beginning of May and it is approaching summer rapidly; Doyoung doesn’t appreciate summer, anymore. He wishes he could stay wrapped up in spring’s comfort a while longer.

He sits on his bed when he calls Gongmyung, bare feet planted on the wooden floor. It doesn’t take his brother too long to pick up. “Hello?“

It’s good to hear his voice. “Hyung,“ he says in lieu of greeting, “It’s me.“

“Yes, I saw the ID,“ Gongmyung replies. There is noise that comes from the other side, though Doyoung can’t make it out. “You decided to finally stop ignoring me then?“

“I wasn’t ignoring you,“ Doyoung breathes out, even though he certainly was, “I was busy.“ And then, because he feels like he needs to say it, “I’m sorry.“

“No need to cry for me, Doyoung,“ Gongmyung laughs on the other side, but it is without malice. It’s soft and light. “To be honest, I was kind of expecting it. You tend to isolate yourself when you’re overwhelmed, did you know?“ He pauses, and adds after a moment, “I’m glad you called.“

One thing Doyoung has always appreciated about his brother was that despite the way they sometimes acted towards one another, Gongmyung knew Doyoung through and through, maybe in a way not even Jungwoo did. He still feels guilty, even though he knows that Gongmyung isn’t angry and that he gets why Doyoung did what he did - still regret eats at him, silently and slowly but surely.

Gongmyung’s voice is clear, “So, how are you doing?“

Doyoung blinks the regret back from his eyes. “I’m alright.“

“Are you? You don’t need to pretend to be strong in front of me, Doyoung.“ Doyoung lets his body fall backward so he’s lying on his bed. He keeps the phone by his ear with his shoulder. “You know you can talk to me if you need to. I’m just a phonecall away.“

People have been saying that to him lately. He’s never had this many volunteers to listen to his petty problems. “You don’t need to worry, hyung.“ He says. “I can take care of myself.“

Gongmyung sighs, “I know that you can.“ It seems like there’s more he wants to say, so Doyoung waits and gives him the time, but in the end Gongmyung opts to change the topic instead, “How’s school?“

So Doyoung tells him; about his long and tedious classes, about the many assignments he receives each week, about all the exams he needs to prepare for. It’s going to be tough, that much he’s sure of: he’s going to need to put in hours and hours of studying and already feels tired.

“You can do it,“ Gongmyung says, encouraging, “You’re freaking smart and you’ve always been good at studying.“

Doyoung cannot argue with that. He’d done really well in his previous schools, always ranking near the top of the class. It is something he used to take pride in before Jungwoo made fun of him for it, and he’d never regained the confidence to boast about good grades since, all the _know-it-alls_ and _try-hards_ and _overachievers_ always stuck somewhere at the back of his mind.

“I’ll do my best,“ Doyoung breathes out, and wants to mean it.

“You got this,“ Gongmyung says, and as is usually the case with him, moves on to the next topic. Doyoung gets the impression he wants to ask Doyoung as much as he can in case Doyoung goes into radio silence again. “Are you home right now?“

“Yeah, I’m at the house.“

“Are you alone?“ Gongmyung asks.

“No, one of my roommates is here too.“ Kun arrived from school about an hour ago, and Doyoung hears him even through his closed door – Kun is singing to himself as he’s preparing dinner in the kitchen. Jaehyun has got his shift at the bookstore today, and Ten told them in the morning he’s going to a meeting after school and will be back late. Taeyong, as Doyoung supposes, is either at school or at one of his jobs. He can never really be sure with that guy. “I’m not ever alone here, really. There’s always someone that’s home.“

“Oh, that’s good,“ Gongmyung says, “What are they like? Your roommates?“

“They’re alright.“

“Just alright?“ Gongmyung snorts, “Tell me more about them, Doyoung. I’m curious. Are you getting along with them all?“

Doyoung sighs, repositions his phone to his other ear, “I am. They’re all very nice. Accommodating.“ He pauses. “They make me feel welcome.“

“Well, good,“ Gongmyung hums, “That’s it?“

“I don’t know what more to say, hyung,“ Doyoung doesn’t whine, but it’s only nearly. “I feel like I don’t know them that well yet.“

“You are so difficult sometimes,“ Gongmyung says, but not unkindly. That’s not something that’s new, though, Doyoung thinks. “Fine, get to know them, then you can tell me.“

Before Doyoung can ask why he’s so interested anyway, Gongmyung speaks again, “Eunji says hi. She misses you.“

“Oh,“ Doyoung says, taken aback for a second. He never got a feeling Gongmyung’s girlfriend was particularly fond of him, so it comes as a bit surprising – but not unpleasant. She’s a nice girl. Sometimes Doyoung worries she is too nice for Gongmyung, but then feels bad for thinking that way about his own brother. “I miss her too. Tell her I said hi.“

“You could join us for lunch, sometime. Or dinner,“ Gongmyung offers. “Whichever suits you more.“

Doyoung considers that for a second, “Only the two of you?“

For the past several years, Gongmyung had only gone out to eat when it was with their parents. He’d moved out of their house a couple of years ago, opting to live with Eunji in an apartment uptown instead. Gongmyung did not like to eat at restaurants because he claimed them to be overpriced and he preferred to cook his own meals anyway. But tradition in their family was set, and it was a Sunday meal; it had become just a meal, lunch or dinner, but it was always the five of them, Eunji included, in some restaurant Doyoung’s father picked out that suited his tastes.

“If you want to, then yes, only the two of us,“ Gongmyung says, “But you know, you won’t be able to avoid him forever.“

They both know this. It does not make Doyoung feel any more inclined to give in. Their father had made it clear to them that he did not think of Doyoung as his own son anymore. They both know that as well. “I can try.“

“Doyoung,“ Gongmyung says, and suddenly Doyoung feels like he is twelve years old again, being reprimanded for not cleaning his room. “Do you really think that this is the solution?“

He does not. He doesn’t think anything about this – he usually doesn’t think about this at all. His father hates him, and Doyoung figures he has every right to do so. There is not much more to it. “I’m free this Saturday, both for lunch and dinner.“

There is a pause. It feels heavy. For a while, Doyoung can only hear what he realises is traffic from the other end of the call; Gongmyung must be on his way home from work. “Fine. I’ll check in with Eunji, then.“

Doyoung exhales, a breath he did not realize he was holding. “Okay.“

When they finish the call, Doyoung lies in his bed staring at his ceiling for a while. In half an hour he gets a message from Gongmyung: _Saturday at 5? We’ll go to Eunji’s favourite restaurant. I’ll pick you up_

It takes Doyoung a few minutes to reply. _fine with me_

\--

Doyoung comes to realize that he cannot study at the house.

It doesn’t matter if he’s holed up in his room – it is too loud. There is always someone in the living room or in the kitchen and the noise – the TV, the cooking, anything – is too disruptive and he cannot focus. He tries wearing headphones, but his music is just as distracting. The third time he catches himself reading over the same sentence numerous times without being able to focus because of Kun’s singing outside his door, he understands that this just won’t do.

There is a study room at the third floor of Doyoung‘s university’s main building. After classes the next day, he makes his way over, without having lunch – it is lunch period, but Doyoung doesn’t feel like he can eat. He already has a feeling he is behind on his material, and he feels guilty; he abandoned his textbooks the night before for a movie with Ten and Jaehyun.

He needs to study, and he needs there to be silence around him. He ascends the steps to the third floor, enters as quietly as he can through the room’s double doors, and quickly scans the room to find himself an available seat.

There appears to be none. It is packed inside – he should have realized, he berates himself. It’s coming so close on the exam period that he feels silly for not thinking about it sooner. Of course, everyone is trying to study, just as he is, and it seems they had the same idea he did.

He stands in front of the doors for a moment, surveying the room. He's about to give up on finding an empty chair, ready to proclaim it a fruitless effort, about to turn on his heel and leave in search of a coffeeshop in the area that would provide a tranquil atmosphere – when he spots him.

Taeyong, sitting at one of the tables. Textbook open in front of him, pen in hand scribbling lines into a notebook, earphones in his ears. His black hair is falling into his eyes, but he doesn’t seem to mind, too focused on writing his notes.

Doyoung also sees the one empty seat right in front of him. It is, as far he can tell, the only empty seat in the room. Doyoung hesitates; he’s not sure he should walk over. He’s not sure he should impose on Taeyong’s space. Sure, they are roommates, they know each other, but still something stops Doyoung from moving. It’s as if he’s not sure he is allowed to do so.

Taeyong still looks like he does not want to be bothered. He looks the same way he usually does: face closed off, cold and stoic, attention solely focused on the book in front of him. It is not a new sight – Doyoung kind of got used to seeing him like this, only the place has now changed.

But Taeyong does something he’s never done in the weeks that Doyoung has been keeping one eye on him during lunch. He stops writing in his notebook, sighs, and stretches his neck. And then he looks around.

When he spots Doyoung still hovering by the entrance, he blinks, like he’s not sure he’s really seeing him. And then his expression transforms with a smile that brightens up his entire face. There is a strict no speaking rule inside the study room, and Doyoung can see Taeyong mouth at him, _what are you doing here?_ before he gestures with his hand – a come forward motion before he points to the empty chair.

Doyoung makes a split-second decision.

He walks the short distance and sits down, as quietly as he can. Taeyong has taken out his earphones and is still smiling at him, like he’s so glad to see him. He whispers to him, “I didn’t know you went here.“

Doyoung tries to keep his voice as low as he is able, “I didn’t know you did.“ And then, “I was surprised when I saw you in the cafeteria.“

“Oh,“ Taeyong says, “I didn’t notice you.“ And then, “You should have said hi.“

Doyoung looks down at his hands on the table and back up. “I didn’t want to disturb you. You looked busy.“

Taeyong is about to reply, when a guy sitting next to him glares at them and shushes them both. Taeyong quickly says to him, _sorry_ , before turning his attention back to Doyoung. He hides a smile behind his hand, like he’s trying not to laugh out loud, and with his other points to Doyoung’s textbooks that he managed to take out of his bag in the meantime. A clear indication that they should study. It is, after all, what Doyoung came into the study room for.

He cannot help the smile that makes its way to his own lips. Taeyong is so incredibly friendly and nice; Doyoung feels silly for a moment, for being so scared to approach him before. Now that he’s sitting here with Taeyong still trying to stifle his laugh into his palm in front of him he cannot remember what it was that kept Doyoung from walking over.

He does focus on his study, though, and so does Taeyong. With the calm atmosphere of the room Doyoung can finally pay the material his full attention and after about an hour feels like he’d retained more information than he ever did while trying to study at home. He takes a break after a while, and for lack of something better to look at, watches Taeyong write his notes.

Doyoung had managed to mostly get used to the fact that all his roommates are good-looking. There is no way around it; it’s a simple truth. Kun possesses the sort of natural beauty Doyoung had always admired in Taeil and his brother, Ten is downright lovely with his pretty smile, pearly white teeth, kind eyes and lithe build, and Jaehyun is handsome in a way that could be intimidating, if not for his warm personality.

Even in the midst of them, Taeyong sticks out. Doyoung lets himself really look at his face, the sharp features of it, the high cheekbones, sharp jawline. This is probably the longest time he’s spent around Taeyong alone so far, just the two of them.

Taeyong meets his gaze, eyebrow raised. Doyoung realizes a few seconds later that he was caught staring, and quickly averts his gaze. He hopes that he looked like he was spacing out, instead of checking Taeyong out. He feels his cheeks burn.

He notices Taeyong put his pen down and reach into the backpack by his feet. He retracts it a second later, with a bag of jellies in his hand. Doyoung watches as he struggles to open the bag as quietly as he can, and casts worried looks to the guy sitting next to them who glared at them before for talking, when he inevitably makes noise.

He manages to get the pack open with only minimal rustling. He puts it on the table in between them, an offering. “Energy boost.“ He whispers.

Doyoung eats a piece of jelly, slowly. It’s so sweet he is not able to eat too many in a row, but Taeyong seems to have no such problem, shoving one little piece into his mouth after another. He must have eaten over ten, in the time it took Doyoung to eat three. Doyoung can’t help but worry for his teeth.

After about another hour of studying, Taeyong slowly gathers his things. He mouths at Doyoung, _gotta go to work,_ and before he leaves, _see you at home._

\--

The next day when he walks into the cafeteria, the last thing he expects to see is Taeyong waving at him from across the room.

Even as he makes his way to him, he is unsure. Surely Taeyong has got better things to do than hang out with him, and Doyoung really doesn’t want to take up any of his time if it’s the only free time outside of work that he can use to study. These thoughts plague his mind, but only until he arrives at Taeyong’s table, however – Taeyong is beaming when he tells Doyoung to sit down.

While Doyoung slowly eats his lunch, they engage in conversation. Taeyong asks him questions, things Kun or Ten already asked him before. Doyoung replies anyway, because Taeyong honestly looks like he is curious. He listens attentively and really looks like he cares for what Doyoung has to say. Doyoung finds himself asking Taeyong questions as well; there’s much he wants to know, but as a starting point he inquires about Taeyong’s job.

“I have the evening shift at the convenience store down the street,“ Taeyong says, “That’s why I get home always so late.“

“What about the other one?“

Taeyong keeps talking with his mouth full of food. Doyoung cannot decide if he finds it disgusting or kind of charming. “A restaurant in the city. The owner is my friend’s aunt, so she lets me help out in the kitchen whenever I can.“

Doyoung, comforted by the calm atmosphere around them, lets himself ask something that has been on his mind. “Why do you work two jobs?“

Taeyong chews and swallows slowly before he replies. “My family just needs the extra money.“ He gives Doyoung a smile, and maybe because he doesn’t want to delve further into that topic, turns the question on him instead. “What about you? Do you part-time anywhere?“

Doyoung shakes his head. “No. My father gives me monthly allowance, so I don’t really need to.“ At the beginning of each month, Doyoung’s father wires money to his personal account, enough for him to pay for his accommodation, food, and any other expenses he might have. Doyoung doesn’t understand why he still does that, not when it’s clear to him what his father thinks of him – but he takes the money anyway.

“Oh, you mentioned your father before,“ Taeyong says. Doyoung feels embarrassed about that still – that outburst was unnecessary.

“Yeah. We’re not really on speaking terms, but...“ he lets the end of that sentence hang in the air. He’s not going to delve into the details.

Taeyong changes the topic for him, and Doyoung takes a breath of relief. As far as he is concerned, talking to Taeyong is easy. He finds that he really enjoys it. There is no pressure, no hurry, no need to always fill the silence with mindless chatter. They fall silent too, and it’s comfortable while they just eat. Usually, Doyoung would scramble to find anything to say and fill the quiet space, but here he doesn’t.

Soon, Doyoung needs to leave for his next class. When he looks at his watch to confirm how much time he’s got to make it to his classroom and not be late, Taeyong asks him about his schedule. “It would be nice to meet again for lunch,“ he reasons.

“Are you sure?“ Doyoung casts a glance to Taeyong’s textbook that lies abandoned to the side. “I don’t want to keep you from studying.“

Taeyong nods. “I’m sure. I only read these because I get bored sitting here alone.“ He adds, “I’ll study later during work, anyway.“

And Doyoung cannot really say no. “Alright. If you’re certain.“

\--

Lunch becomes kind of a thing for the two of them.

Doyoung has classes four out of the five days of the week, and Taeyong has got only three. On Thursdays, he tells him, he has the day shift at the restaurant and then his usual evening shift at the convenience store, and so Thursdays Doyoung spends alone, but the other three days, without fail, Taeyong meets him in the cafeteria.

“I used to spend lunch period in the study room,“ Taeyong confesses one Tuesday, “But they don’t really like it when people eat food in there, so they sort of kicked me out a few times.“ Before Doyoung can tell him again that he can leave him alone if Taeyong needs to study, Taeyong adds, “This is so nice, though. I like talking to you.“

He had a feeling before, that he’d befriended the other boys but didn’t have the chance to do so with Taeyong, and so he’s glad he can do so here. They don’t have too much time to chat, having to rush to their next lectures, but the time they spend together Doyoung finds agreeable and pleasant. Doyoung won’t say so aloud, but he likes talking to Taeyong as well.

\--

Saturday that week, Doyoung nervously paces in the living room while he waits for Gongmyung to pick him up, dressed in what he hopes is a semi-formal attire.

Ten comes out of his room just as Doyoung is checking the time on his phone for about the hundredth time in the span of five minutes. “Woah, where are you going?“

Doyoung wishes Ten didn’t sound so genuinely surprised. Doyoung’s aware that he doesn’t leave the house much except for school and he admits that he’s a little bit of a homebody, he does – but still Ten doesn’t need to throw it in his face like that. “Dinner with my brother and his girlfriend.“

“Oh,“ Ten says, “Why do you look so--?“ He waves a hand in front of his own face, indicating at Doyoung’s expression, possibly.

Doyoung sighs and makes a conscious effort to still himself where he stands. “I’m nervous.“

“Why? Are you meeting his girlfriend for the first time?“

Doyoung wishes that was the reason. “No. They’ve been dating for years.“

Ten gestures with his hand again. “So why?“

Doyoung isn’t sure he can explain his nerves. There’s no real basis for them anyway. Doyoung hasn’t seen his brother in months, and only saw him once after the funeral. Maybe it is because of that. Because he’d run from him when Gongmyung offered help. He’s worried how the meeting is going to go, scared of how the relationship between them has changed. Because he knows that it did. There was a subtle shift to it that Doyoung felt during his calls with him in the previous months. Doyoung is trying to regain that sense of normalcy they’d had before everything _happened_ , but it’s easier to maintain that sort of front over the phone, when Gongmyung cannot see his face, nor press him for answers.

He decides to go with a simple truth, “It’s just been a while since I’d seen him last.“

“Did you have a fight?“ Ten asks.

It wasn’t Doyoung and Gongmyung that were fighting. “No.“

“Then I’m sure it’s gonna be fine,“ Ten says, in what Doyoung supposes is a comforting tone. “I see my sister once a year, maybe. We can go without talking for really long stretches of time but when we meet it’s like we’ve never been apart.“

Suddenly Doyoung remembers the conversation he’d overheard his first day at the house – when Kun mentioned Ten’s sister calling him about Ten not picking up her calls. He frowns, “I thought you didn’t want to talk to your sister.“

Ten angles his head to the side, like he’s trying to remember why Doyoung would say that. He seems to remember as well in a moment, as realisation washes over him. “Oh. No, no, I like to talk to her. It’s just—she likes to lecture me about everything and sometimes she goes overboard with it. That’s when I don’t take her calls.“ Ten explains, but Doyoung doesn’t really understand anyway. “She’s still my sister, though.“

Doyoung’s phone buzzes in his hand. It’s a message from Gongmyung, a simple _i’m outside._

Doyoung takes a silent, deep breath. “Well, I gotta go.“ Ten waves a hand at him in goodbye, and so Doyoung puts on his shoes in the entry hallway and walks out with a powerful stride that he’s not really feeling inside.

Gongmyung parked his car at the opposite side of the street. When Doyoung gets in, Gongmyung’s eyes search his face. Doyoung looks away and secures his seat belt. “Where’s Eunji?“

Gongmyung returns his gaze to the road and slowly backs them out onto the main street. “She’ll meet us there.“

Doyoung wonders why, before he figures out the answer on his own. He supposes he should have expected Gongmyung to want to have some time alone with him. There is no way Doyoung can escape the conversation in a moving vehicle.

He tenses as he realizes that, but after about ten minutes of Gongmyung talking about his day and a customer that he’d had to deal with that made him furious, he relaxes again. He listens to Gongmyung’s voice and it puts him at ease, somehow. Gongmyung makes him laugh, and Doyoung feels like he hasn’t properly laughed in a long time, so it feels refreshing. His chest still feels tight, but at least it is with a positive feeling.

He misses his brother, he cannot deny that. He even misses his father at times. Most of all, though, Doyoung just misses his mom. He misses the easier times, before everything in his life got ripped apart.

They meet up with Eunji in front of the restaurant. She hugs Doyoung in greeting, and together they make their way in.

The dinner is pleasant, more so than Doyoung thought it would be. Eunji and Gongmyung keep up light-hearted chatter and Doyoung finds himself smiling more and more, feeling more at ease than he did in months in their presence. It makes him feel good, but also sort of melancholic in a way. It’s still nice, though.

In the car on the way back, Gongmyung tells him, “I’d be happy if you could join me and dad for lunch sometime.“

Doyoung looks out the window and refuses to answer, because he doesn’t want his good mood to sour.

“Doyoung. Just one lunch,“ Gongmyung insists. “That’s all I’m asking.“

“Why?“ Doyoung cannot keep his mouth shut. He doesn’t understand why Gongmyung keeps pushing when he knows Doyoung doesn’t want to give ground.

“Because,“ Gongmyung starts, frustrated tone lacing his words, “Because I’m tired, okay? It’s been half a year, and we’re— we’re a goddamn mess. And I’m sick of it. We’re still a family, whether you like it or not, and I want us to be a real one again. All of us.“

Doyoung admires Gongmyung for trying, but feels like it is ultimately a futile effort. He doesn’t reply. _All of them_ – they cannot ever be all of them again.

Gongmyung sighs, “You can’t go about the rest of your life pretending he doesn’t exist.“

Doyoung actually can. “I don’t see why not. He’s doing the same to me.“

“You really think so, don’t you.“ They’re coming up on Doyoung’s neighborhood. Doyoung cannot wait to be done with this conversation. “Why do you think he’s still giving you money?“

That Doyoung had wondered about before. It doesn’t make sense to him either. He frowns. Gongmyung goes on. “Why would he do that, huh? If he didn’t care at all, why would he bother?“

Something unpleasant takes root at the bottom of Doyoung’s stomach.

“You’re both so fucking stubborn.“ Gongmyung shakes his head, and for the rest of the ride to Doyoung’s house, remains quiet.

He says one more thing, after he parks in front of the house and Doyoung is about to get out of the car. “You’re not the only one that’s hurting.“ Doyoung stops with his hand on the handle. He exhales, quietly.

“I know, hyung.“ He says goodbye to both him and Eunji and he gets out. He doesn’t look back to the car as he walks up the stairs to the house.

Ten, Kun, and to Doyoung’s surprise, Taeyong are all sitting in the living room when he walks in. They appear to be having a discussion. After greeting them, Doyoung heads for his room, but Ten stops him. “How did it go?“

Doyoung stands in the doorway to his room, thinking of an answer. “It was alright.“

He can see on Ten’s face that he doesn’t believe him. Doyoung can’t blame him; he didn’t bother to make it sound too convincing. It is only a partial lie, however. He’d been telling too many of those lately.

He wants to leave it at that, but something stops him. He’s not used to sharing, but all of them had been so nice to him, so forthcoming, so easy on him, truly – maybe he just needs to start somewhere. “Well. It wasn’t all bad. My brother is just annoying.“

Ten nods. Doyoung knew he would understand. “Isn’t family always.“

And Doyoung lets himself snort. And instead of retreating to his room as he was planning to, he walks over to them and sits down next to Kun on the sofa. “What are you watching?“

“A true crime documentary,“ Kun answers. They bring him up to speed on the two episodes they watched so far, and Doyoung watches the rest with them, joining in on the discussion about suspects and motives. He lets the thoughts of Gongmyung and his father completely filter out of his mind.

\--

Doyoung spends so much of his free time in school in Taeyong’s presence that it is inevitable Doyoung meets his friends.

The first one he gets to know is Seulgi.

He heard about her before, of course. Ten had painted a pretty good picture of her, so when one day a tall, gorgeous, blonde girl stops next to their table and starts talking to Taeyong, it is not too hard to figure out who she is.

Seulgi is friendly and funny and interesting. She spends about half an hour with them that first time, talking to Taeyong about a performance she’s preparing for, soliciting his advice. Doyoung learns that she is a dancer in the school’s dance club, but what’s perhaps more surprising is finding out that so is Taeyong.

She shows him videos on her phone, discusses moves she imagines would work well with the choreography she is trying to put together, and Doyoung regards in silence how Taeyong gives her opinions and suggestions. Doyoung tries to imagine Taeyong dancing, but it’s hard as his own knowledge of dance is limited.

Few days later, Doyoung is introduced to Youngho.

He startles when he looks up and sees him heading for their table. He remembers him from weeks before when he’d seen Taeyong talking with him; now too he seems like he is angry, somehow, face set in hard lines, eyes burning with an intensity Doyoung last saw in his father’s eyes.

He comes to a stop next to where they’re sitting. Taeyong jumps in his seat with surprise, “Youngho, what--?“

But Youngho doesn’t let him finish. “He’s back.“ He’s saying, and Doyoung notices that he’s tense, body wound tight.

“What are you talking about?“ Taeyong asks, somber.

“Yuta,“ Youngho says like it pains him to do so, “I just saw him. He came back.“

“Are you serious?“ Taeyong asks, and Youngho quickly bits out, “I wouldn’t make this up!“

It is obvious that Youngho is distressed. Doyoung doesn’t know who Yuta is, never heard that name before, but it seems like this – Yuta being back – is a big deal. Before he can do anything, like ask about it or offer to help, Youngho is stalking off and Taeyong is quickly gathering his things.

Before he runs after Youngho, he throws Doyoung a quick, “Sorry. I’ll see you later.“

\--

Doyoung gets invited to an after-class outing.

It’s been a while since he last hung out with people that weren’t his roommates or boyfriend. He’s friendly with his classmates, but it’s not like they’re close. He’s surprised that one of the more popular girls in their year asks him if he wants to join them after class. He thinks her name is Sejeong.

They find themselves at a restaurant near the campus grounds. The place isn’t small, but it seems overcrowded with all the students inside. Doyoung sits at a table with classmates that he recognizes, but there are people from his school at two other tables that he doesn’t know at all.  

They order food and drinks and talk amongst themselves, mindless chatter that Doyoung doesn’t remember later. He’s talking to a girl from his class (Taeyeon, he recalls her name) when the door to the restaurant opens and a guy comes in. Doyoung is facing the door, so he can observe him as he steps in.

He’s wearing black skinny tattered jeans, combat boots, and a grey tank-top with a bomber jacket over it. There are accessories almost everywhere Doyoung can see – numerous earrings lining both his ears, necklaces, rings adorning his hands. His hair is brown, longish, wavy and parted in the middle. He takes Doyoung’s breath away, for a second.

And then someone at the other table is shouting, “Yuta! Over here!“

The name is familiar. Doyoung doesn’t need to search his memories too far to figure out where he heard it before – it was Youngho that said it. But this can’t be the same Yuta, can it? There are surely more Yutas at their university. What would be the odds of this being _the_ Yuta?

Yuta crosses the room to join the people at the other table. Someone says, “I’m so glad you could join us.“ and Yuta apologizes for being late before he sits down.

“I was thinking – if some of us sang duets for the showcase, it would add a bit more flavour than if it were solo acts throughout the whole thing,“ Taeyeon is saying, “What do you think, Doyoung?“

Doyoung shifts his attention back to his group’s conversation and away from Yuta, “That’s a great idea, yeah.“

Someone else (his name is Inseong, Doyoung thinks), adds, “We should agree on what songs to perform as soon as we can, too, so we can distribute the order in which we go on stage. I don’t want the audience to get bored if there are too many ballads in a row, you know?“

“We should make a post about this on our facebook page, too,“ Taeyeon says. Doyoung didn’t even know they had a facebook page. He knows they have a groupchat, though – he muted it about a week ago. “That way it will be easier to organise everything.“

Doyoung doesn’t really have anything to add to the other people’s suggestions, so he only voices his agreement when needed. He doesn’t really care about the showcase except for his own performance.

“Doyoung, do you already have a song in mind?“ Taeyeon asks him, curious.

“Maybe,“ he answers. He gave it some thought, but it’s still hard to pick one song out of the list of the ones that he really likes. “I’m still deciding.“

“If you’d want to do a duet,“ she offers, “Just let me know.“

Doyoung doesn’t think he even has her number. “Okay.“

\--

The next time Doyoung sees Yuta, it’s in a school hallway. He just passes by. He looks like he doesn’t care for anything and anyone, an apathetic expression in place, an unreadable exterior. Doyoung watches as he goes by, unable to look away.

He is not the only one. Yuta turns more heads as he walks through the crowd of people, some of whom lean their heads together and whisper something. Not too many, only a handful, but still – there is something about Yuta that makes a hush fall over a room, whenever he enters it.

Doyoung is leaving the cafeteria with Taeyong by his side when they run into him. Literally run into him – Yuta slams his shoulder into Taeyong’s so hard it sends Taeyong backwards. He almost falls over. Yuta doesn’t acknowledge him in any other way, though, walking away like nothing has happened at all.

Doyoung watches after him, stunned. “What the hell was that?“

Taeyong grabs him by the arm and pushes him forward a bit, “Let’s go, come on.“

“Why are you letting it slide?“ Doyoung questions him, but lets himself be dragged outside of the room to the hallway and led towards the exit to the building.

“It’s not worth it to confront him, trust me,“ Taeyong says, voice and expression strained. He doesn’t look like he’s able to disclose any more at the moment, and Doyoung doesn’t want to disturb him further. He lets it go.

Within the same week, Doyoung catches Yuta really glaring at Taeyong from across the cafeteria during lunch. He looks downright hostile. Doyoung regards him for a moment too long and Taeyong notices and follows his gaze to see what he’s so intently staring at – and turns back with a heavy sigh.

Doyoung cannot help but ask, “What is his problem?“

Taeyong keeps his eyes on the tray in front of him, expression fallen. “He just doesn‘t like me very much.“

“Why?“ Doyoung presses on. “What reason could he possibly have?“ In Doyoung’s opinion, Taeyong isn’t a guy that people can not like after they get to know him.

“There are several, actually.“ Taeyong says. There is a moment of silence. Taeyong plays with the food on his plate with his fork, moving it from one end to the other. And then he says, “We used to be friends. Best friends. Me and Yuta and Youngho.“

“You were?“

Taeyong shrugs, “Some time ago. Before—well.“ He cuts himself off.

“Before what?“ Doyoung inquires quietly.

Taeyong’s hand stills. He lets out another sigh. It seems like he is thinking something over really hard. It must be huge, this thing that happened, if it makes him react like this; Doyoung is almost sorry that he asked. He does not want to dredge up bad memories for him.

But Taeyong must decide that he trusts Doyoung enough to tell him the truth, because what he says next is, in a tiny voice, “Before what happened to Hansol.“

Doyoung freezes. “That’s the previous roommate, right?“ He breathes the question out.

“Yeah,“ Taeyong answers, “Him.“

Doyoung never stopped wondering about the guy, during his time at the sharehouse. He remembers his resolution to find out what happened to Hansol, but it seems so far away now. Doyoung learned not to mention him too often, as the others never wanted to answer his questions about him, for whatever reason – the reason which he might learn now, finally. He feels nervous, though. If they all kept it to themselves all this time, it must be something big. Is it okay for him to know of it?

Taeyong seems to decide that Doyoung should know, though. He speaks slowly and quietly. “You know, Yuta and Hansol were... dating. They met during high school, and they were just...“ he pauses, “Inseparable. They fit really well together. That was before he lived with us. He moved out of his childhood home and Yuta sent him to the sharehouse, as he knew I was living there with Youngho, Kun and Ten at the time. We had an empty room for him.“

Doyoung leans closer, to hear him better and to not miss a single word.

Taeyong continues, “It was great, for a while. We were getting to know each other, but we were friends, and he warmed up to Ten and Kun fairly quickly, and even to Jaehyun when he replaced Youngho when Youngho moved out. He was a quiet, unproblematic guy. Sometimes we didn’t even know he was home, he was so silent in that room. We thought we knew him, he was our friend—but we were wrong. We had no idea what was going on in his head, not really. He was...“

“Was?“ Doyoung whispers.

“He—“ Taeyong tries, and stops. He looks like he’s struggling to say the words, and Doyoung wants to tell him to stop, to not force himself if he can’t say what he wants to say. “Doyoung, he...“

Doyoung reaches over, to take Taeyong’s wrist in his. “Hey,“ he says, “It’s fine. You don’t have to tell me.“

“But you should know,“ Taeyong retorts, face a grimace of hurt. “Fuck, you live in his goddamn room, I—“

Terror washes over Doyoung’s frame, as he slowly begins to understand. When Taeyong voices it out, he sounds broken, devastated to the core, “He took his own life.“

Doyoung whispers his previous words again, “You don’t have to tell me, hyung.“

“No, I want to. We should have told you earlier, it’s just...“ he takes a shaky breath. “It’s hard to talk about.“

Silence settles in between them for a moment. Taeyong takes the time to compose himself, Doyoung figures – and he gives him as much time as he needs, until he is ready to speak again. “But we were talking about Yuta, right? Yuta was the one to find him. Hansol was home alone that day, and he just stopped answering messages. Yuta came over to check on him, but-- He broke down our door, but he... he was too late.“

Doyoung’s own heart seizes in pain. It’s a different situation, but the grief is the same. “I’m sorry.“

“He blames us, you know,“ Taeyong says. “Yuta. We were living with him, we should have noticed if there was something going on. I know that’s what he thinks, and maybe he’s right.“

“God,“ Doyoung breathes out, “This isn’t your fault. None of it is your fault.“

Taeyong gives him a sad smile, and it’s evident that he doesn’t believe Doyoung’s words. He pulls his hand away from Doyoung’s grip, now, so Doyoung leans back. Taeyong reaches for his phone, “I’m gonna text the others that I told you about him. Just so they know.“

Doyoung exhales. His head is kind of reeling with the new information. “Okay.“

When he looks at the other end of the room, he finds the seat that Yuta had sat in empty.

\--

Doyoung doesn’t really know what sort of atmosphere to expect when he gets home that day after school.

Except for Taeyong, everyone is there. Doyoung finds Kun and Ten sitting at the table and Jaehyun on his computer in the living room when he enters the house. The air in the room does feel heavy, with the unspoken knowledge. They greet him, but don’t really talk to him, and Doyoung worries that he fucked up, somehow. That the little bit of trust he managed to develop with them is now severed, ruined.

He goes into his room, and stands at foot of his bed, looking around as if seeing it for the first time. He doesn’t know how it happened, only that it was in this little part of the house. I chill runs up the curve of his spine, and he shivers. He toes with his foot the line on the floor that’s the only indication that there ever was a carpet there, and he thinks – how did they manage to still live in this place, when something so awful had happened here?

Kun’s voice comes from the doorway, as he pushes the door open all the way, looking at Doyoung with something undefinable lacing his delicate features. He looks at the ground, for a second, and then back at Doyoung, speaking in a calm and comforting tone of voice, “Want some tea?“

Doyoung tears his gaze away from the floor, to assess Kun’s expression. He gives Doyoung a tired, sad smile. There is a volume of meaning behind it. “Come on,“ Kun says, gentle, “We can watch a movie, if you got the time.“

Doyoung nods, and with one last look around the room, he follows Kun out of there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yell at me on [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/neocxxlture) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/paperplane_127)


	4. kun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy.

Out of everyone at the sharehouse, Doyoung comes to feel like he understands Kun the most.

Maybe it is that they spend so much time at home together, without the others. Doyoung doesn’t really go out, except for school. Ten is the exact opposite of him – always getting ready for a meeting or a party, leaving for hours at a time and getting back in the night or sometimes in the morning of the next day. Jaehyun visits his parents a few times a week and only returns home in the evening, and Taeyong has got work. So it doesn’t come as a surprise that the first person Doyoung really gets closer to out of the four of them is Kun.

Kun looks out for him and takes care of him, even though he really doesn’t need to do so. When he cooks, he sometimes brings plates of food right to Doyoung’s room. He keeps it up even when Doyoung tells him there’s no need to do that, saying he does it because he simply wants to. It’s endearing, really, and Doyoung enjoys seeing Kun’s satisfied expression when Doyoung takes a bite of whatever food Kun made and praises the taste.

Kun also performs magic for him, sometimes. The first time Kun asks Doyoung to be his audience (as no one else is home with them) Doyoung is skeptical and thinks he’s going to be able to see through the tricks. He soon finds out that he is wrong. Kun handles the cards with grace and precision, so smooth in his execution that even though Doyoung knows there is something underhanded going on, he cannot figure out just what that something might be.

“Pick a card,” Kun instructs him as he fans out the deck in his hands, “Any one you’d like. Don’t show it to me.”

Doyoung does as he is told. He picks out a card at random and looks at the face of it. Five of clubs. “Okay. What now?”

Kun squares the deck up, “Now put the card anywhere in the deck.” Doyoung inserts it into the middle, and Kun hands him the entire deck now, “Shuffle the cards for me, please.”

Doyoung, again, does as he is told, then gives the deck back to Kun’s waiting palms.

Kun only needs to spread the cards again to find Doyoung’s five of clubs, pointing it right out in a few seconds. “Is this your card?”

“Somehow you knew where it would end up,” Doyoung accuses him, though it’s more for show. He has no idea how Kun found the card so quickly.

“We can try it again,” Kun tells him, “Shuffle the deck, then pick another card.”

Doyoung reaches for one, already knowing how this is gonna end. This time his card turns out to be the six of hearts. He gets ready to put the card back, but Kun then puts the rest of the deck down on the table and tells Doyoung, “Put your hand out, palm up, and keep the card on it face down.”

Doyoung does just that, carefully setting the card down so Kun cannot catch a glimpse of its face. “What are you about to do?”

Kun gives him a smile, just one corner of his mouth turned up, “I’m about to read your mind.”

“Right,” Doyoung replies.

Kun looks at the back of the card for a second, and then his eyes flick up to take a good look at Doyoung’s face. Doyoung meets his eyes with defiance – is there any way he can actually know what card Doyoung is currently holding? Kun didn’t force it onto him – he let Doyoung shuffle the cards himself, there’s no way he could have affected his choice. Doyoung looks at the back of the card, but there are no markings, only the back design of butterflies and flowers in red and white.

“Are you thinking of your card?” Kun asks him, still not looking away. “Help me out here.”

Doyoung doesn’t reply. He doesn’t think Kun really needs him to think of the card anyway, as he goes on. “I sense... that your card is one of the lower ones.” He narrows his eyes, like he’s really trying to peer into Doyoung’s brain through his eyes. “It’s...yes, it’s a red card, isn’t it? And I can say that I feel like it’s a heart.”

Doyoung is careful to keep his face without any expression.

“I think your card is the six of hearts.” And then when Doyoung still refuses to answer, now because he can’t believe he actually got that right, Kun says with a grin, “Am I right?”

“How?” Doyoung asks, turning the card over in his hand.

“I told you, I read your mind,” Kun responds with that sort of smile on his face that tells Doyoung he definitely did not read his mind.

Ten comes in through the front door just then, “I’m home!”

Kun doesn’t look at him, but he tells him anyway, “Hey. How was your date?”

Ten walks over to the table they’re currently sitting at, “Quite nice. You’re doing magic?”

Kun shuffles the butterfly deck of cards, “No tricks you haven’t seen before.”

“I love seeing all your tricks though.” Ten pulls out a chair and sits down, “Show him the—” he makes a seemingly meaningless gesture with his hands, “The one with the portals.”

Kun says, “Alright.” And Ten says to Doyoung, “You’re gonna love this.”

One complicated and mind blowing card trick later, Doyoung sits back in his chair. “You’re really good at this.”

Kun gives him a smile, and Doyoung can’t help but admire how pretty it makes him look, “Thank you.”

“I’m always telling him to make a career out of it,” Ten admits, a bit of an edge to his tone.

“Is that a thing you can do? Do magic as a job?” Doyoung asks, curious.

Ten nods, while Kun looks through the cards in a manner that suggests to Doyoung that maybe he’s busying himself with the cards only so he doesn’t have to look at Ten or Doyoung just then. Ten says, “Of course. You can perform it professionally. And I don’t mean small performances for kids on their birthday parties or at weddings or whatever. No, I mean – the big stages. There are magicians out there that have their own shows all over the world. You’ve heard of Vegas, right?” When Doyoung nods that yes, he knows Las Vegas, Ten adds, “He’s good enough to perform in Vegas.”

Kun speaks up then, “I can’t do a show in Vegas.”

“You’re just as good if not better than Shin Lim or whoever’s doing the shows there now,” Ten replies. “Why the hell not?”

Kun sighs, and Doyoung gets the impression he doesn’t really want to be having this conversation, “I don’t speak English.”

Ten falls silent for a second, and then rounds on him, “That’s irrelevant. Someone would translate the script for you, it can be done.”

“I wouldn’t even know how to get to Vegas,” Kun responds.

“I said Vegas only as an example,” Ten says, “There are more places that are closer that would take you on only if you would apply, I am sure of this. You’ve got what it takes. So why not?”

He really does sound sure. Doyoung follows the logic and finds that it’s solid, but Kun’s reluctance and refusing make him think there are different reasons to why he doesn’t want to pursue magic further than a simple hobby.

Kun says simply, “I don’t want to leave. I live here, I go to school here. I’m satisfied with the way things are now.”

“Satisfied with birthday parties and screaming kids and stupid weddings,” Ten reiterates. It seems like there is more he wants to say – it looks like there is a cloud that passes over his expression, and his eyes turn darker and colder. But then his phone rings, and it pierces the air around them, loud, and effectively destroys the atmosphere.

Ten takes the phone in his hand, and for a second it looks like he ponders over whether to take it or let it ring and continue the conversation with Kun. He seems to decide on the former, but he does address Kun one more time, “It’s been your dream since forever ago, I don’t know why you don’t want to follow it.” And then he’s standing up, putting the phone to his ear with a cheerful, “Yeah, babe?” and disappearing in his room.

Kun heaves one more sigh, puts the cards down, and asks Doyoung, “Hungry?”

Doyoung doesn’t think Kun wants to talk about it, so he merely nods, but the exchange stays at the back of his mind for days to come.

\--

Doyoung’s exams go by in a bit of a blur. The day of the first one he finds a message in his inbox from his brother, as they talked about Doyoung’s exams the last time they had lunch together, which was only last week. The message reads simply: _good luck today!_

It doesn’t come down to luck as much as it comes down to how well Doyoung prepared and studied for the test, but he finds that he appreciates it nonetheless.

He’s just about to leave the house when he notices something on the table – it catches his eye because of its neon colour. It is a post it note, attached to something small. Doyoung can’t help but smile when he comes close enough to read what’s written on the paper.

 _So the material sticks better in your head today_  
_Good luck_  
_– TY_

The post it is attached to two pieces of a sticky chocolate-caramel flavoured candy bar.

In total, Doyoung has 5 days of 5 different exams, not counting the festival performance he is preparing for. Each of those days, without fail, he finds a piece of candy with a note on it signed in Taeyong’s lazy scrawl. It makes something within Doyoung’s chest seize; he wasn’t expecting for Taeyong to remember the dates of all his exams, and least of all to gift him candy on each one.

On his way home after the last exam, he stops by a convenience store, struck by sudden inspiration. He purchases two packs of the chewy jellies that Taeyong had with him during their first study session at the school’s library – he would have bought 4, but he’s worried Taeyong might eat them all in one sitting, and he’s not willing to risk that.

When he gets home, the first thing he does is walk to Taeyong’s door. And there he stops. Takes a deep breath – after all, nothing is really happening, right? He’s only repaying Taeyong’s kindness, in the only way he knows how.

He knocks softly on the door, and then slowly opens it.

He’s expecting to find Taeyong there, but Taeyong must be at work, of course. Doyoung has been to the room before, and he can see immediately that both Taeyong’s desk and his bed are empty of him.

Jaehyun, however, is sitting at his desk. He is shirtless, skin of his back on full display, back turned to the door. His form is lean, subtly muscular, and Doyoung realises then that Jaehyun must work out to keep his body this neat. He stares for a second.

It isn’t really the bare skin that makes him pause, though. There is a scar on Jaehyun’s back, starting at his shoulder and snaking down to his waistline. It is white, faded, obviously an old wound – but it’s startling to see nonetheless. How did that happen to him?

Jaehyun, presumably at hearing the knock and the door being opened, turns around to look at the intruder. His laptop is open before him, and on the screen is what Doyoung can only assume is the essay he’s been complaining about the past few weeks.

“Hey,” Doyoung says, showing Jaehyun the two packets of sweets, “Just dropping these off for Taeyong.”

Jaehyun gestures at Taeyong’s neatly organised desk, “Go ahead.”

Doyoung walks into the room, and deposits the sweets on the table. He’s about to leave when he starts thinking – isn’t that too awkward to just leave the packets there? Too weird?

He looks around, and finds what he needs almost immediately, in a stack by Taeyong’s desk lamp. He takes one post it from the pile and finds a pen and writes on the paper a simple message he hopes will suffice: _thank you – dy._

He sticks it to the packet and turns to leave. Jaehyun has already turned back to pay attention to his assignment, and Doyoung doesn’t want to be a distraction, so he quietly walks to the door and with one last look at Jaehyun’s back and the scar that paints it, he exits the room.

\--

Doyoung meets three of Kun’s friends during his first few months at the house.

The first friend is a boy called Chenle.

Chenle is seventeen years old and he is young and bright and he laughs really loudly at almost anything and everything. He comes over to the house usually during the week, and he and Kun sit at the kitchen table and go over Chenle’s textbooks while Kun tutors him in math and physics.

Doyoung thinks that that’s what it is – that Chenle is only a kid that Kun teaches, but he soon comes to find that they are more like brothers; Kun’s family knows Chenle’s family through a weird corporate relation and so somehow the two of them came to know each other over the years.

One of the things that Doyoung came to understand about Kun is that he genuinely loves to take care of people.

He makes sure that the boys in the house eat, all the time. Even though Doyoung is perfectly capable of fixing himself meals, or even cooking for all of them, he usually gives Kun the time and place so he can be the one to make lunch or dinner instead. Kun _likes_ cooking, which is where he and Doyoung differ – Doyoung doesn’t enjoy the process much, even if he likes the final results.

When Chenle is over, one of the things that they do if they’re not studying together is that they cook together. Kun lets Chenle help out, has him cutting vegetables, stirring the ingredients in the pots or washing dishes so that they don’t pile up, and all the while they talk. What they talk about, Doyoung doesn’t usually know, as they converse in Chinese, but judging by how the two of them laugh while they’re at it, he figures it can’t be anything bad.

Doyoung likes to see Kun happy, he comes to realise. There are dozens of moments where Doyoung catches him, when Kun doesn’t think anyone is watching – usually when he‘s looking after Ten’s retreating back, whether Ten is going out or into their room or anywhere. It’s sad, Doyoung figures, and he feels for Kun, understands it; having something that you want so badly be right there in front of you but being unable to have it.

That’s why he’s glad that Jungwoo left when he did. The more time passes, the more Doyoung comes to realise that it’s the best thing that could have happened to him – the distance makes the heart grow weaker as well as stronger, strangely. He doesn’t long for Jungwoo as much, now, because Jungwoo isn’t around to remind Doyoung of what he should be missing. And ever since he moved into the sharehouse, that empty place within his heart that Jungwoo left in his wake has slowly started to be filled with different people and different emotions.

Doyoung thinks that maybe the fact that Kun and Ten have been living together for this long doesn’t really help Kun’s situation in any way. Doyoung isn’t sure, but he thinks that Ten doesn’t reciprocate the feelings; he does flirt with all of them, but it is only a playful sort of flirting, harmless and fun. There isn’t even any indication that he would like boys, not as far as Doyoung can tell. And so it seems like the best way for Kun to get over him, really, is to take a step back – it’s hard to get over someone, Doyoung thinks, when they’re always around throwing their hands over your shoulders, praising your cooking and magic tricks, teasing you about everything and anything and generally invading your personal space.

Kun never says anything. It seems like for the most part he ignores his own feelings in favour of keeping the peace between himself and Ten and also among everyone at the house. To Doyoung, it feels like only a temporary state of peace – it feels like a rubber band pulled tight from both edges. Surely Kun realises too that in the end, it’s going to have to snap.

But Doyoung isn’t in any position to question Kun, so he doesn’t mention it.

\--

He’s coming home from another Saturday lunch with Gongmyung and Eunji when he finds Taeyong standing in the street right next to the house, looking around.

It seems like Taeyong is looking for something. Doyoung calls to him as soon as he’s close enough to not have to shout, “What are you doing?”

Taeyong puts his finger to his mouth in a gesture of silence, and then beckons Doyoung closer. Doyoung stops at his side, and then Taeyong tells him in a quiet voice, “I’m waiting for a friend.”

Doyoung notices that Taeyong is holding something in his hand, just then – it seems to be a can of tuna. “A friend?” Doyoung whispers back.

“Yeah, a real cutie,” Taeyong answers, “She’s usually here somewhere.”

It should not surprise Doyoung that, when a black stray cat materialises on the street out of seemingly nowhere, Taeyong opens the tuna can and slowly approaches it. Of course he feeds a stray cat on the street outside his house; that’s something that Doyoung thinks he should have expected.

Doyoung only stands there and watches as Taeyong kneels down, offers the cat the food, pets her gently on the head a few times and then comes back to stand beside Doyoung. The two of them survey the cat for a few minutes in absolute silence.

“She doesn’t have a collar, or anything,” Taeyong says after a while, “I would have taken her in, but no pets are allowed. This is the least I can do.”

Doyoung looks at him, takes in the side of his face, the fond look in his eyes as Taeyong watches the cat. He doesn’t know what to say.

Taeyong speaks for him, “Everything alright with your brother? You said you were meeting him today, right?”

“Yes. He seems to be doing well.” Doyoung nods, and together they walk to the house.

\--

The second friend of Kun’s that Doyoung gets the chance to meet is Renjun.

Renjun is a distant relative of Kun’s. He is a year older and quieter than Chenle, but just as (if not more) playful and mischievous. There are times when Doyoung finds them in the living room playing videogames on Kun’s laptop, or watching conspiracy theories on the internet. Renjun is really interested in those, Doyoung comes to find one day when Renjun is explaining to him, Kun, and Ten why he believes his own sister was abducted once during the night and replaced with a perfect clone.

“So they kept her, then?” Ten asks, after Renjun is done detailing the events of the night. “The aliens.”

Renjun enthusiastically answers “Yes!” at the same time that Kun asks, “But why would they do that?”

“So they could do more tests, or something,” Renjun says, “I don’t know. But she hasn’t been herself ever since, I can promise you that.”

To Doyoung, the story sounds farfetched. It’s not necessarily that he doesn’t believe in aliens – who is he to say if they’re real or not? He’s never seen any before. But he also once heard Renjun say to Kun that his sister ate his homework one time, and so now he takes all that Renjun says about his sister with a grain of salt.

Kun, though, never questions him. He indulges him, even though Doyoung can see on his face that he is just amused by the antics more than he really believes in it. Kun looks at Renjun with an expression that makes Doyoung think of Gongmyung, the blend of fondness and exasperation only brothers are capable of feeling for their younger siblings, and lets him ramble on and on.

Doyoung likes both Chenle and Renjun. They’re young and full of optimism and just having them around brightens his day, just as it seems to brighten Kun’s. He’s grateful that Kun has these boys in his life – despite their teasing and the grief they cause him with their antics it is clear that they love him like their own big brother.

It also seems like the two of them know about Kun’s infatuation with Ten, too. Whenever they’re over and Ten is also at home, they seem to huddle closer to Kun, tease him less. It makes Doyoung wonder about how deep Kun’s feelings for Ten really run, though it soon becomes obvious to him that it isn’t only a stupid crush.

\--

The day of the festival falls upon a Wednesday.

It’s finally after exams, so it doesn’t really matter that it’s in the middle of the week. The festival is something that their school does every half a year, Doyoung has learnt in the previous weeks while preparing for his solo; it is always held at the beginning of summer and just before Christmas, and the entire school gets together and puts on various shows to entertain all the other students and professors.

The singers and dancers have a showcase together, it has been decided in the facebook groupchat which Doyoung barely bothers to read. Inseong forwards Doyoung the order of performances when Doyoung messages him asking for it, and then after exams Doyoung spends the entire time until the day of the showcase preparing his song.

Doyoung doesn’t really get stage fright. When they call upon him, he takes his place on stage, puts the microphone to his mouth, and he sings. It happens like it happens in a dream, almost – he can’t see anyone’s faces clearly, but he knows that the auditorium is packed full. There are two stage lights that shine down on him from up above, illuminate him in blue and white, wash him out. In the middle of the song, Doyoung closes his eyes, and focuses solely on the music and the feeling of performing – and all else ceases to matter until the last note is carried out and is dissipating in the audience.

After the song ends, there is a moment of absolute quiet. And then the applause reaches his ears and punches the breath out of his lungs. He manages to bow in thanks, and with his head light he makes his way backstage. It is over just like that.

He stands backstage for a while, leaning against the wall, only until he catches his breath again.

Taeyeon finds him just as he is about to leave the backstage changing room with his retrieved backpack, “There you are, you were amazing!”

“Thank you.” The praise makes him smile, despite himself. “You were too.”

She offers to him, “Want to go watch the rest of the show?”

And Doyoung, still giddy and lit alight with the thrill of the performance, says, “I’d love to.”

They exit backstage and mingle with the crowd of students to get a good look at the stage. Inseong is on, currently, singing chorus in a duet with a tall boy that gently raps his verses. Doyoung really likes how their voices blend together.

After Inseong and the other guy get off stage, Seulgi comes on, to overwhelming applause from the audience. She hides her smile behind her hand, and takes her place, waiting for the music to start.

Just as the first few beats sound out and Seulgi starts moving, someone else comes out on stage from behind the curtain, also moving according to the music – and with a start Doyoung realises that it’s Taeyong.

He doesn’t look like himself. From the form-fitting clothes he’s wearing, his hair slicked back and styled out of his face, to his expression as he dances with Seulgi and they move like one, all fierce gazes and sharp angles, terrifying precision and elegant grace all in one – it is Taeyong, but it isn’t any Taeyong that Doyoung would know.

And Doyoung can’t look away from him.

He is completely captivated, so much so that when the performance ends, he almost forgets to clap.

As the applause dies down, he hears someone next to them say, “That was awesome,” and then, “The guy was scary though, wasn’t he?”

Doyoung has to admit that they are right. Taeyong did seem scary, just then. Intense. Intimidating. Doyoung has never seen anything quite like it – that sort of burning passion, like Taeyong put all that he had into just that one choreography, that one performance. Had he not known Taeyong prior to this moment, he would probably never want to cross paths with the guy, as he looked like trouble and danger personified, just a storm waiting to happen.

But Doyoung knows him, and he knows that Taeyong is soft and kind and awkwardly shy; that he laughs at inappropriate jokes, or when he doesn’t know just quite what to say, or just when he feels like it. That he sometimes whines when he talks and he doesn’t even realise he’s doing it. That he feeds the stray cat outside of their house, and calls it his friend.

There are so many things that Taeyong is, but Doyoung thinks just then, scary definitely isn’t one of them.

\--

The last of Kun’s friends that Doyoung gets the chance to know is Yangyang.

Yangyang isn’t a friend of Kun’s family or a distant relative or a kid that needs tutoring. When asked about it, Kun says that they met about a year ago at a wedding. Kun was booked to perform his magic there as part of the program, and Yangyang was invited because he was family of the bride. Yangyang volunteered to be Kun’s assistant for the performance when Kun asked for assistance, and he liked the magic so much that he talked to Kun about it after it ended. Apparently they really hit it off – they really understand each other, they tell him, so it wasn’t a surprise that they kept in contact even after the wedding and became friends.

If Doyoung didn’t know Chenle and Renjun and didn’t have the chance to observe the way they interact with Kun, nothing would seem different to him here – but he does know them and has that frame of reference, so he can’t help but notice that with Yangyang, their relationship seems to be a bit different. With Chenle and Renjun, Doyoung gets the impression that Kun is like a brother figure to them, that he takes care of them, looks after them as he would with younger siblings; but with Yangyang, it seems to be less like that, and more like they seem to stand on more equal footing. Kun still takes care of him, but Yangyang takes care of Kun right back.

Sometimes Yangyang shows up at their house with takeout boxes in his hand, and almost always Kun sighs when he sees it, “We got enough food here.”

And almost always Yangyang answers with, “But I bought all your favourites.”

When Doyoung is home and not holed up in his room, they share the food with him. They talk in low voices while they eat, and then together they clean up.

One day just after such a meal, Yangyang exclaims, excited: “Hey, I got something for you!”

“What is it?” Kun asks, curious.

Doyoung watches Yangyang reach into his backpack and retrieve a something that at first glance looks like a DVD case. “They had it on sale, so I thought I‘d buy it for you. This is the one you wanted, right?”

Kun reaches for the case, and regards it for a silent moment. Doyoung leans his head to the side to get a better view of what it is – it seemed like a DVD, but he can see now that it is a videogame. There is a plane on the cover.

“Yeah,” Kun says finally, “Yeah, this is the one I wanted.” And then, “Thank you.”

Yangyang smiles, “Wanna show me how it plays?”

Doyoung can’t put his finger on why their relationship is so different – Yangyang is Renjun’s age, and yet the distinction is clearly there. It is only when one day Kun offhandedly mentions something about Ten, as Doyoung watches Yangyang‘s expression cloud over for a fraction of a second, when he sees the look that he gives Kun just then, a mix of sadness and fondness – it is only then that Doyoung begins to understand it.

\--

_So you are free now? for how long?_

_I got some spare time now, yes_  
_Just for the summer_  
_You can come visit me finally, if you want to_

 _I’d love that! :D_  
_I want to meet the magician friend of yours_

 _Oh_  
_Is that the only reason why you’d wanna come over_  
_You didn’t miss me at all, huh?_

_But i text you all the time!_

When Doyoung doesn’t immediately text back, Jeno follows it up with another message.

_You know i always miss you, hyung  
I'll gladly visit_

_\--_

The following weekend, Jeno comes over.

It just so happens that Renjun is visiting Kun as well. Doyoung first shows Jeno the house, and then of course introduces them, because he can practically feel Jeno vibrate with excitement where he stands next to him even though he’s trying to hide it.

While Kun and Jeno nerd out over the cards, Renjun approaches Doyoung to talk to him. When Doyoung asks why he doesn’t keep Kun and Jeno company, Renjun admits he isn’t the biggest fan of card magic because, and Doyoung quotes, it’s annoying when he can’t figure out how the tricks are done.

“It won’t let me sleep if I don’t know what techniques he uses,” Renjun says, “And I don’t want to spend another three days on google trying to find the answers.”

Doyoung really likes Renjun. Out of Kun’s friends, he probably likes Renjun the most, even though maybe it’s a bit unfair to compare the three of them; it’s only that he feels like he can talk to Renjun the easiest out of them all. Though to what part that is due to Chenle being shy to speak Korean to him and Yangyang’s reluctance to really speak to anyone that isn’t Kun, he’s not really sure.

Doyoung walks with Jeno to the bus stop at the end of the day, to make sure he gets there safe. Before Jeno gets on, Doyoung throws him a quick, “Text me when you get home!” which earns him a roll of the eyes, a bright smile that makes Jeno’s eyes transform into crescents, and a quiet. “I will, I will. I’ll see you next week, then!”

On his way back, just down the street from the house, Doyoung notices someone – standing still, just a dark silhouette. Doyoung is too far to really see any details, but he thinks their shoulders are broad like a man’s. When he stops walking and looks at them, they seem to notice him too, quickly disappearing down the road into the shadows. Doyoung recalls the house’s owner’s words, _there’s been someone sketchy seen loitering around the neighbourhood, so do be careful._

He goes inside the house only when he’s sure that the person is gone.

\--

He’s coming back from a grocery run with Kun when they notice someone loitering around the house.

At first Doyoung thinks it’s the same person as before, but as they get closer, it becomes clear that the person is a girl. She has long, dark straight hair, a pretty small face, and an elegant, graceful figure. She is wearing a white summer dress, her makeup is impeccable, and she’s stepping nervously from foot to foot just near the stairs that lead to the upper floor. Doyoung exchanges a look with Kun, who just shrugs, and they walk closer.

She throws them a curious glance when they approach.

“Uh, hi,” Kun starts, a bit unsure, “Can we help you?”

She looks from Kun to Doyoung and back again, and points to the sharehouse. “Does Ten live here?”

Instead of answering the question, Kun’s expression hardens, “Sorry, who exactly are you?”

She smooths a hand down her skirt. “I’m his ex. I just – I want to talk to him. I was hoping he would be home, but I’ve been ringing the bell and knocking on the door and it doesn’t seem like anyone’s there.”

“Well, he must be out,” Kun says, and Doyoung asks, “Did you try his phone?”

“He’s not picking up,” she answers, drawling the sentence out in a whine. “I really need to speak with him.”

“Sorry, I don’t know where he is, nor when he will come back,” Kun says before Doyoung can react. “I think you should go home, and try to reach him on the phone.”

For a second, there is quiet. Doyoung thinks the girl is about to argue – there is a weird glint in her eyes, and her face transforms with something he cannot place, before she takes a breath and it passes. “Okay. Yeah, I’ll do that. If you run into him sooner than I can, can you tell him that I tried to get in touch? My name is Seolhee. He will know.”

When they assent, she takes her leave, and Kun makes sure she’s gone before he goes in.

\--

Doyoung is hanging out with Jaehyun and Kun in the living room when Ten comes home that evening. He’s on his laptop, doing his own thing, Kun is watching youtube, and Jaehyun is playing a game.

The beep of the lock is followed by Ten’s voice, “I’m home!”

Kun doesn’t even look away from his screen, “Hey. You missed dinner. There are leftovers in the fridge, just heat them up.”

Ten books it for the kitchen, doesn’t even bother taking his backpack off his shoulders, “Thank God, I’m starving.”

“Oh, by the way,” Kun starts once Ten settles on the sofa to eat his food, “Do you know anyone named Seolhee?”

Ten’s hand holding the chopsticks freezes half-way to his mouth. He turns to look at Kun with a frown, “I do. She’s been calling me the entire day. How did you—“

Kun still isn’t looking at Ten, “She was here, looking for you.”

Ten puts the chopsticks down, “She was here?”

“That’s what I just said,” Kun replies, “Why aren’t you picking up her calls?”

Ten sighs, and leans back in his seat. “I don’t know what to tell her. She wants to get back together. I don’t.”

“Well,” Kun says, “Then just tell her that.”

“I did!” Ten bites back, and then shakes his head, “The first phonecall we had, that’s exactly what I said. She won’t listen.”

“Then explain to her why you don’t want to get back together, or something,” Kun suggests, “Make sure she understands where you’re coming from.”

“You think that’s gonna work?” Ten asks.

“Man, I don’t know, you’re the one with all the dating experience.”

Ten picks up his chopsticks again with a sigh, “I’m great at the dating part, though. Not so much this part.” And then, after a thoughtful moment, “Fine. I’ll try talking to her again.”

\--

Next week on Tuesday, Doyoung spends the day outside with Jeno. They go to the mall, walk around a bit, and have iced coffee at the local coffeeshop, just spending time together. Doyoung wouldn’t tell him that to his face, but he really likes to hang out with him; it feels like it used to a few years ago, even though Jeno is now effectively an adult.

When Doyoung returns home in the evening, he finds the place quiet and Kun sitting on the balcony with a can of beer in his hand and two empty ones on the table next to him.

He surveys him quietly for a moment, “It’s barely the middle of the week.”

Kun only shrugs his shoulders, “It doesn’t matter. It’s the holidays.”

Doyoung cannot refute that. “Where are the others?”

“Jaehyun is visiting his parents, Taeyong is at work.” Kun takes a sip of the beer, and then continues, “Ten is spending the night out. So.” He then reaches beneath the table, and produces another can that he offers to Doyoung. “Wanna join me?”

Doyoung considers it, and figures he’s got nothing better to do and that maybe Kun could use some company anyway. He takes the can and sits down on the only other free chair.

For a while, they just sit there in silence, sipping on their beverages and looking out into the street in front of them and the sky up above them as the sun sets over the horizon. It’s pleasant and peaceful.

Doyoung decides to break the silence, in the end. “Can I ask you something?” And then, just in case Kun isn’t in the mood to talk, “You don’t need to answer.”

Kun just nods, “Shoot.”

It’s something Doyoung wondered about before. “How long have you liked him?”

He knows that Kun will understand who he’s referring to. Kun takes a while to think over it. He’s quiet for long enough that Doyoung doesn’t think he will reply, but in the end he says, softly, “I realised it only a while ago, but I think I liked him a bit longer. Why do you ask?”

“I’m just curious,” Doyoung says, “In all this time, he didn’t realise that you liked boys?”

Kun gives this question too some time pondering over it. “That’s not really...” He starts, and stops, and starts again, “I haven’t liked anyone else.” It’s admitted with a bit of a tired exhale. “It’s always been just him.”

Doyoung considers that, and into the silence Kun adds, “Is that weird?”

Doyoung shakes his head, “No. I don’t think so. I can understand it. I just think...” He makes a gesture with his hand, trying to convey his meaning. “I know you didn’t ask for my opinion, but I don’t think living with him is the best decision you could have made.”

Kun gives him a wry smile, “Yeah, you’re right about that.”

“I’m speaking from my own experience, you know,” Doyoung feels like he should add. “If Jungwoo didn’t leave for America after he broke up with me, the process of getting over him would have been so much harder than it is currently. At least I think.”

Kun speaks again only after he takes another gulp of his beer, “How can you be sure that by getting away from him, I’d get over him?”

Doyoung shakes his head just the tiniest bit, and decides to be absolutely honest. “I’m not. But it would be a start.” He really believes so, after all. There is something within him that wants to make sure that Kun is happy, and it is that feeling that makes the words come out, silent but genuine, “I don’t mean to tell you what to do. I just don’t like the thought of you drinking alone on a Tuesday evening because you’re sad over a guy that doesn’t return your feelings.”

It makes Kun laugh, strangely. “No, no, you’re right.” He says when he notices the look Doyoung levels him with, “Even though I don’t like what you’re saying.”

Doyoung only wants to help him, somehow. If that means honestly telling him what he thinks, maybe it can be worth it in the end. He knows that Kun is a rational guy – he possibly just needs a push in the right direction.

“You’re a really nice guy, Doyoung,” Kun says just then, eyes coming to rest on Doyoung’s face. “I mean it. I’ll be honest, I was scared of you when you first got here.” He admits with a soft laugh. “You were frowning a lot back then, it seemed like you were always angry.”

Doyoung shakes his head, “I wasn’t.”

“Please, I know that now,” Kun replies immediately.

Silence settles over them again, as they look at each other. It’s an intimate moment, Doyoung thinks, a sombre, quiet evening, the sun almost set, the air humid and hot around them. Doyoung notices red dusting Kun’s cheeks, the way his eyes are the tiniest bit glazed over, and also how they flick down to his lips and then back up, just for a fraction of a second. Otherwise, he doesn’t move.

“You’re gonna love someone else, you know,” Doyoung says in a low voice, and it almost feels like an apology, even though he has nothing to apologize to Kun for. Doyoung understands the impulse, he really does – he understands how lonely Kun must feel, how vulnerable, how tortured by his own feelings, that he would consider indulging in a comfort so misplaced – and Doyoung could indulge him. But it would only last a while, and it wouldn’t help Kun in the long run more than it would just confuse him more. And Doyoung cannot let himself do something like that, for Kun and for himself.

“And someone will love you back the way you deserve.” He breaks the eye contact between them, trying to make his words sound soft and comforting. He believes it to be true. Rationally, he knows that that’s how it’s going to play out, Kun just needs the time to realise it on his own. Doyoung sees Yangyang’s face in his mind, recalls the way he was looking at Kun when Kun wasn’t looking back, and says, “It won’t be Ten. But someone will.”

And Kun too turns his head away, “Guess I’ll just have to believe that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/neocxxlture)   
>  [twitter](https://twitter.com/paperplane_127)

**Author's Note:**

> a bit of a slow going start, but (hopefully) we'll pick up the pace soon! 
> 
> feel free to talk to me on my [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/neocxxlture) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/paperplane_127) about this fic, dotae, or literally anything else <3333333333


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